Body Image Conundrum

A few days ago I came face-to-picture with my unexpectedly massive image and now I don't want to even be seen in public..... like.......... seriously... ever... again..........

Why does this even happen?

Why do we even care how we appear to others??

Maybe because it's not even about how we appear to others but it's actually about how we appear to ourselves.

It sucks to be feeling ugly in a beautified-driven world and I know it's far from healthy for both my body and my soul. But maybe there is good coming out of my admittance, as well. Maybe because I mindfully connected to, instead of just overlooking that picture (which I immediately gasped and humiliatingly reddened at before frantically, deeeeesperately UNtagging myself from having been tagged in on social media without my permission) I can now make a swift change for the better before my already hugeness becomes even HUUUUUGER!

I always just naturally look toward the 'bright side' and always have but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes feel lost in despair, it just means I can see a way out even though I might be struggling. There is a way out of this too, I just need to start climbing... and I do mean that literally! It's been fifteen months since my battle with Peripheral Neuropathy first began and I have come a very long way from living with paralyzed legs to now gratefully being able to walk on my own (I wrote an earlier post on this very blog about the Neuropathy battle) I still need help on inclines and stairs but am determined to overcome my final hurdles in the very near future... and when I do, I will be smiling and hopefully back into better shape again, too!

Before I go any further, please, please, please... do not jump all over me for any 'body-shaming' statements you may take issue with my talking about in this post. I do not, at all, speak for anyone but my own self or about anyone but my own self. Everyone has their own body and everyone is beautiful, I really do believe that. But my body is mine and I don't feel beautiful in it right now, so I'm allowed to want to make changes.

Before the Neuropathy hit me, I never really had any body confidence issues, well, other than just being too tall... suddenly taking a growth spurt in fifth grade and ending up taller than most of my teachers was mortifyingly not fun and I never really lost those angst-ridden feelings in time. But looks and weight were never what I worried about. From my teenage years right on up into the start of my forties I worked out constantly and played sports continuously; I totally took for granted that my body would always be strong and fit because I worked at it. Now, over the past while of not having the gifted ability to be constantly active, I find body confidence worries suddenly popping up and it's a really tough row.

Did you ever watch the show American Idol? I did, once, after a friend told me I just haaaaaad to watch because it was just so hilarious! So, I did watch it and... it devastated me. To watch people wanting so badly to be recognized and become famous as singers but who ultimately just humiliated themselves on national television because they didn't have the gifted musical abilities they believed they possessed, was painful. I couldn't laugh at the hopeful auditions (like my friend so enjoyed doing) but my heart did go out to those people in the fact that they clearly and unfortunately had no one in their lives who could be trusted to be entirely truthful with them. I mean, families and friends stood there and encouraged people who could not carry the slightest tune to go ahead and embarrass themselves in the name of a dream. What kind of people do that to their supposed loved ones??? What kind of people would not tell someone they're supposed to love that, 'Honey, I know that you love to sing and I love that you just put everything you are are into the songs you love, but loving to sing and having ability to sing are very just two different things.....' ?? But, now I know what kind of people do that. People who love. People who don't want to hurt their loved ones feelings. And I know that now, because nobody told me that I was gaining weight.

I haven't had chance to talk to my family about this yet. But I did ask my husband through my tears of embarrassment why he didn't say anything to me... "Why didn't you tell me I was so huge now? Why didn't you say anything?? You're supposed to be truthful with me, why wouldn't you tell me I look this horrible??? You, my mom, my sister, my aunt... you all see me... every week... and nobody said a word to me?????" His answer was simply, "Don't worry about it, you look fine." Well, that was a grand help for me. I know he wasn't trying to be mean in his answer, he was just trying to avoid an explaination and actually having to admit out loud that he had noticed my weight gain, and that's okay, it isn't his problem. But it is my problem and having people shield me from myself doesn't help me in the slightest.

You know, I've heard it said, so many times, that people just didn't realize they were gaining weight until they were already hundreds of pounds overwieght but I never understood how that could even be possible, it just sounded way too ridiculous! I get now that it really is totally possible! Like I mentioned earlier, I was constantly exercising and sporting about before I had to deal with sickness; all seven days of my every week were filled with roller derby, skiing, swimming, rowing, kayaking, circuit training, skating... I was always in activewear, stretchy clothes were my greatest and easiest choice for sporty movement capabilities but they have since become my greatest fatness enablers in allowing me to pack on pounds by just stretching to sausage-encase my ballooning body further. So, I do understand now, how people can miss even their own changes in weight but missing it doesn't give me permission to simply further ignore my own beyond chubbified circumstance.

At least my scale is being honest with me...

It's time to make change happen.

As much as I hated seeing that picture, I'm also just SO glad that I was able to see within it, my own disappointment in myself, so now I can take care of it by myself.

Am I pissed off that nobody in my life cared about me enough to actually say 'hey, I know you can't really exercise as much as you used to now but uh, you might want to think about a new nutritional plan while you're working to get your body back on track... you're starting to pudge up a little there, Dudette.....'? Well, of course I'm pissed!! I keep my circle small for trustability reasons and I really thought my family and friends would feel secure enough in our relationships to be fully honest with me, about everything. I'm not pissed at my circle, I'm pissed at me. Maybe thoughout all that's happened I became unapproachable in my defensive hiding of my illness. Maybe I didn't open opportunity for discussion. Maybe I just totally suck! Whatever the reasons, dwelling is certainly not going to help me. I just simply need to get to work!

So, if anyone reading this has healthy nutritional lifestyle plans or tips that might help me shed some pounds, pleeeeeeaaaaaaaase share your success tips!!! I am so up for suggestions on my journey back to healthy that I'm actually begging for them!

Treat-Bites of the Banana-Carrot Variety

For anyone who might not know it... I am blessed beyond blessed to get to share my life with my two beautifully souled Greyhounds named Day and Play and I love them more than anything else in this world. My boys have so quickly become my whole heart and that I get to be their mama is a gift I accept with so much gratefulness that I can't even put those feelings into proper words.

My sweet boys... totally worn out and ready for a nap after a warm first-day-of-Spring walk!

 

What my boys love more than anything else in the world........are TREATS!!! Fortunately, for their now retired physiques, my PlayDay Duo count fresh fruits and vegetables as 'treats' and are totally stoked with either as their daily afternoon snack buuuuuuut they also LOVE baked treats. So, I thought I would share a super-simple baked treat recipe that I make for them which they thoroughly enjoy.

 

Like all my recipes... the ingredients are mostly approximate measurements so don't be afraid to play around with substitutions. If your dog absolutely hates bananas, try some blueberries, or even peanut butter. And if your dog truly despises carrots, try zucchini or squash or broccoli. the good thing about these treats though, is they may actually like the fruits and vegetables baked in better than in natural state since sometimes, just like with humans, it's a texture thing. Try different combinations and even the fussiest pups might just open up a delighted mouth to the deliciousness instead of giving the usual turned-up snout reaction to healthy options.

 

Banana-Carrot Treat-Bites

 

Ingredients:

 

3      overripe       Bananas

2        cups            Carrots (grated)

3 1/2  cups(ish)   Flour

 

Step one:

 

Gather all three ingredients.

 

A note about the flour... I use all whole wheat in these treats just because I find it seems to add just a little more flavour and a little richer colour than the plain white flour. The boys don't care about the colour, they only care about the tastiness! Anyhow, you can use all white flour, or half'n'half, whatever you perfer or have on hand; it doesn't matter, the treats will still be good!

 

 

Step two:

 

Combine the bananas and grated carrots in a large mixing bowl.

 

CARROT TIP (pun always intended)... there is usually a LOT of juice in the freshly grated carrots so I always squeeze a little out, that way the dough doesn't require quite as much flour which ultimately would cut down on the finished treat flavour.

 

Grate the carrots onto a piece of cheesecloth or paper towel
and just squeeze some of the excess liquid out, you could even just
push the liquid out through a strainer... whateve's!

 

 

I use a stand mixer but you can absolutely mix it by hand... I always just choose the laziest way possible because I really hate cooking. But I love keeping my boys healthily happy!

 

 Carrots and banaaaaanas sittin' in a bowl......... mixin'and'a'mushin'up'heart'n'soul!        

 

 

Step three:

 

Add in 2 (or so) cups of the flour and mix it well..... You may need less or more flour than I used, don't worry about the measurements, use what feels right! If you do happen to add a little too much flour you can always knead in a little water, maybe a Tablespoon at a time to moisten the dough up, so worry not, it's a very forgiving recipe!

 

Keep sprinkling in little bits of the remaining flour until the dough wants to stick to but just can't help falling off it's beloved mixing paddle; that's when it 'kneeeaaaaads' to hit the counter!

Mix it well.....m-mix it REAL well!!! (sung to 'Push It' by Salt'N''Pepa)

Step Four:

 

Turn the dough out and onto a lightly floured surface and knead in enough of the remaining flour to form a non-sticky ball of dough.

 

 

 

Step five:

 

Pat the ball into a flattened rectangle (of sorts) and cover in plastic wrap.

 

Step six:

 

Chill... both the dough and you, 'cause you've already worked so hard you deserve a break!

 

**If you want to skip steps five and six to get the whole shebang over and done with, you so totally can!!! I usually make the dough in the afternoon and let it chill in the refrigerator to meld flavours overnight before finishing up with the forming and baking the following morning. Just kind of gives the bananas'n'carrots'n'flour time to get to know each other and lose any first-meet-up shyness before gettin' down together in the oven...

 

 

 

Step seven:

 

Let's ROLL!

 

I like to work with 1/4 of the dough at a time but hey, if you're brave enough to take it all on at once... all the power to ya!

 

Who wants to be fi-iiiiiiirst???

 

I like to roll the dough out to about 1/4" thickness... I know it seems really thin but these ones with the banana and carrot do puff up a little in the oven ('cause they can't help but burst out with their goodness) so thinly rolled seems to work best for us.

 

Now, feel free to use cookie cutters if you want to, I always do when I make them around any Holidays as a special treat but for these ones I just cut them into what I like to call treat-bites. And the treat-bites don't have to be exact, either... I just use my rolling dowel as a 'ruler' and cut with a pizza cutter, it's easiest that way, for me anyhow. I try to keep the bites as uniform as I can at about 3/4" to 1" square but you can judge the perfect size for your own pups!

 

Just rollin' and slicin'... yes indeed.....

 

First, cut the dough to bites and separate....            Next, lightly press with fingers to soften  corners and edges.



Place each bite on a parchment-lined sheet... 'cause parchment is this
dish-washing-hating-girls-bestest-friend-in-the-whole-wide-baking-world!

 

 

Step eight:

 

Bake tiiiiiiiiiiiiime!!!

 

Bake at 300° for 30-40 minutes (convection oven)

 

**You may need to adjust your time and temperature on your oven. Without convection, I would maybe try baking at 325° while checking often to be sure they don't brown too much but still dry up enough.

 

I test the doneness by feel, when the bites feel dry and firm on the outside but still want to spring back when quickly and gently squished in the middle... they're done!

 

"I'm done!"... "I'm done, tooooo!" ... "Done like dinner!" ... "Done, over here!" ... "Yep... I'm done, too!" .......

 

Step ten:

 

Coooooooooool!

 

I let them cool COMPLETELY right on the baking sheet... like I said, I opt for the laziest route and the last thing I want to do is wash cooling racks; they'd probably just fall through the cooling racks anyway.....

 

 

This batch made 250 treat-bites... and boy were my boys stoked!

 

 

Day takes his treat-bites in a pretty gentlemanly-like fashion...

 

...while Play is all 'I need that deeeeeeliciousnesssss!!!'

 

 

 

 

As for storing these baked treat-bites...

 

I freeze the bites in a ziplock bag and pull a few out each day so we always have fresh bites at the ready. The boys also like them with a chilly-crunch straight from the freezer so don't worry if they aren't readily thawed when you need them.

 

 

All ready for storage and consumption... the boys would, of course, to just get all the consumtion over with at once and not have to worry about the freezer storage part..... but mama overrules on that one! ;)

 



I sure hope your pups enjoy these treat-bites as much as my boys do! If you have any pup-treat recipes to share, leave a link in the comments section... I'd love to try making them and my boys are always willing tatse-testers!!!



I Want Never, Never, EVERRRRR..... To Meet Scott Glenn!!!

But only because I know in my heart that at first glance I would fall to his feet a blubbery sobbing pool of complete and utter non-functionability... other, of course, than the uncontrollable FULL-ON-ugly-cry instinctive capability that would immediately kick in and take over my entire being until my tears would finally disappear me into the ground along with the rain which I picture also accompanying me through such experience. This would be horrible. I don't want to go into the ground with raindrops and emotions. I don't like worms. Therefore, I can never meet Scott Glenn.

I have to go back just a little bit (actually a lotta bit because I'm old) to explain my journey into the painfully beautiful Scott GlennVille.....



The 8-track that started it all...

I was five years old when Grease hit the big screen and I absolutely LOVED it!!! I was one of the billion-million-GAjillion little girls who was going to grow up to be Sandy and marry Danny. My dreams, both waking and sleeping, were filled with the musical numbers I danced and sang my little lungs out to, accompanied by my beloved movie-watching memories and that magical old 8-track player helping me to keep them alive daily. See, things were different back in the seventies and early eighties, even though it really doesn't seem so long ago, and we didn't have the current luxury of instant and constant access to the music and movies of our hearts. I had seen the movie once and had been lucky enough to talk my parents into buying me the 8-track soundtrack shortly after but it wasn't until maybe six years later when the VideoDisc Player came into my life and along with it, once again came the movie of my childhood heart. For those who either don't remember or who maybe weren't even around in those days... the laser disc player was mind blowing technological awesomeness! A machine that played movies on discs the size of records and my beloved Grease was on the title list of available rentals!!! It wasn't easy to actually find and buy the movies back then but Grease was my special choice for every weekend rental it was my turn to choose. My parents and older brother tired of my choice quickly but were always good sports while my younger sister reveled in the movie right along with me. For those who didn't get to experience the first days of disc players, have a look at what was once the latest and greatest in 'dvd' players through the video link below.

http://youtu.be/Chgt9y0Insw


Anyhow..... it was in 1980, two years after Grease came out when I started seeing television ads for a new 'Danny' movie in theaters. My heart was FLYING! Until it dropped. I was seven then and not allowed to see the movie because "it's not an appropriate movie for childrennnnn....." said, of course, in my best whiney, eyerolling copycatness of my parents as they refused my daily beggings to go and see Urban Cowboy at the theatre. Sure, looking back on it now, I wouldn't have let my kid see it either... but that wasn't the point; I needed to see that movie and I was MAD!

It took a very long while in those days for movies to make it onto one of our thirteen-dial-channel television stations so it wasn't until I was twelve (1985) when I happened to turn on the television in my dads downstairs office to... you guessed it, Urban Cowboy! It was totally meant to be, I was meant to watch that movie! I had actually gone in there to unwind from doing my homework by playing a few games of Q-bert on the ColecoVision but my plans changed fast and I instead curled up in my dads office chair to disappear into the world that had finally found me, sprawling forward across his desk in my  dreamy longingness to jump straight into that small screen and become one with my newfound idols living it up at the legendary Gilley's. I had waited years to see my still beloved 'Danny' as the Urban Cowboy named Bud who was next in line to become even more beloved, this time as a cowboy, I just knew it! I was already beyond delighted from the first moment I had started watching and my heart had almost leapt straight out from my chest at that first and forever famous dance scene that made my also painfully beloved Johnny Lee a household name.

But then...

.....Wes Hightower entered the scene and my world and heart became instantly and forever changed!!! I wanted to be Sissy more than anything in the world and if I'm to tell the absolute truth now, I still really do.

My heart will never heal.....

I'm still waiting for my Wes to come back.

Anyhow, back to my real life circumstance of being completely entranced in the Gilley's greatness... I had asked for and been given permission to play a few games of Q-bert but the deal had been from eight-thirty to nine on the ColecoVision before getting ready for bed and reading until my nine-thirty bedtime. Yes, I had a bedtime of nine-thirty when ALL my friends could stay up as late as they wanted to by the grand old age of twelve, or so they all said; looking back, I'm pretty sure they all still had bedtimes, too but just didn't admit to it. I remember glancing at the desk clock and seeing it was just past nine... I wasn't technically breaking the deal because my mom had said I was allowed to play the game until nine but she didn't say I couldn't be watching a moooovie past nine..... It wasn't long though, until I heard movement on the stairs and my mom peeked in through the doorway to remind me:

"Time to get ready for bed, Honey."
"But Urban Cowboy is on and it's sooooooo good!"
"But you have school in the morning and it's time to get settled for sleep."
"No, please, please, pleeeeaaaaaase can I just finish watching???"
"Does it finish at ten?"
"Eleven....."
"Sorry, Honey, not on a school night, it'll be on again."
"No, it won't! I already checked (I hadn't checked) and this is the ONLY time!!"
"I'm sure it won't be the only time, now let's go."
"No... ten o'clock then, please?!!!"
"Ten o'clock and then it's straight to bed..."
"Okay, I promise!"

Of course I had no intention of honouring my promise and in my mind we would go through the same pleading drama to get me through until ten-thirty followed finally by an eleven o'clock argument that would get me all the way through until the movie's end. Unfortunately, it just didn't work that way and instead went a little something like this when my mom again appeared in the doorway:

"It's after ten now... bedtime."
"Next commercial....."
"No. Now."
"But..."
"No."
"It's almost over, though!"
*click*
"Now it's over. Bedtime."
"All my friends get to stay up late! Why can't Iiiiiiiiiii???"
"Because I'm your mother and I said so."

This is where I stormed past her and up the stairs, stomping my feet as hard as I possibly could, not caring in the slightest that my little sister was already asleep just down the hall, then I  SLAMMED my bedroom door with all the might I could muster in my fury, all while screaming...

"I will always, always...
 .....ALWAYYYYYYS JUST HATE YOU FOREVER FOR !!!!!!!!!"

I don't still hate my mother. However, I do still hate the fact that I wasn't able to stay up to finish watching the movie and still have never quite fully recovered from the heartbreak of that one hour loss in what would become my lifetime of dreams. I still smile every time I hear "She knows what she's doin'..." run through my mind and see that look in his eyes, cigarette hanging so incredibly awe-inspiringly out of his mouth in his light blue denim shirt as he turns down the bull for Sissy. Looking back though, it's maybe actually better that I didn't see the ending then because even though it wasn't until years later when I finally did see the movie in its glorious entirety that I came to know that my beloved Wes was not only a beautifully tough, badass who looked every ounce of threat straight in the eye with nothing but calm, steely sureness that he could fully back up, bu-uuuuut that he was also just plain mean and controlling. Pity....my...soul..... I still couldn't settle my heart even once I finally knew the script-written truth of Wes Hightower! He was somethin'! And no one that I met in real life ever could quite measure up...

Well..... until a few months later when 'Emmett' came along.....

This much hotness seriously shouldn't even be allowed..... but, boy am I grateful it is!

Emmett burst into my heart straight off the big screen and it was, without doubt, the moment I had waited my whole entire life for! I hadn't heard of the movie, Silverado, before my dad asked me if I wanted to go and see it with him but since watching old westerns was our thing, I had happily agreed to go with him. I had loved every western I had ever seen but only seconds into Silverado my heart explOded at first glance of Emmett... now I just KNEW it was going to be the best one ever! And it really, REALLY was!!! I was never quite the same after heart-throbbingly handsome Emmett said, "Y'know, Mister... if I'd brought a pretty lady like that into a place like this, I'd stay close." Sighhhhhh... to be the pretty lady, Hannah, in that moment!

Pure perfection!

My beloved Silverado is seriously PACKED full of awesomeness! Never a dull moment with characters, all lovable in their own rights and I was glued to that screen in pure, delicious awe... even the bad guys are so full of inspiring that hating them is loving them because they're all just so good at being bad! Brian Dennehy took a little of my heart in this movie, too, that big ol' flashing smile mixed with rattlesnake-mean, snappin'-twinkly eyes... wowzers! Seriously... what is it about the danger men!?? Kevin Costner kept me giggling while Danny Glover kept me hoping and at the ready to push forward through all his pain right alongside him. And even though my love and loyalty go COMPLETELY with the incredible Mr. Scott Glenn in this movie, as in all his others, I have to admit that no one, and I do mean NO ONE... mounts or sets a horse quite like Kevin Kline does; I may have unabashedly swooned a little at the breath-catchingly-heart-stopping sight of Payden swinging so effortlessly up into the saddle and riding along with nothing but a stellar ease of relaxed confidence..... but I never did tell my beloved Emmett that little tidbit of extra curricular crushiness.

I honestly can't even begin to count the number of times I've watched Silverado since my first time seeing it at the theatre but I do, even thirty-one years later, still know every line by heart (much to the annoyed dismay of both my brother and sister) and I gleefully lose myself entirely in the pure and utter joy it brings me each time I watch it over again. All I have to do is turn that movie on and I am lost in another world, another time. It may sound silly how lost I become in my favourites but there are just some worlds worth getting lost in and Silverado, for me, is one of them. I don't watch a lot of television or movies, but the few I do love, I watch time and again, year after year and I never lose the first-watch-magic in my heart. When I love something, I truly LOVE that something.

I think I came to honestly notice the pattern of my great love for Scott Glenn, cowboy-extraordinaire when My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys came out later on. Sure, I had watched every one of his movies I could get my hands on but the ones that captured and enamoured me most were definitely the westerly inspired. Old West, Urban West, current West... it matters not when that one signature flash of a full smile appears! I wait giddily (even just knowing it's coming) every single time!!! When H.D. got so mad at his sister when he was sticking up for their Dad... "He ain't an old pair of boots goin' to Goodwill, he's a hero! He's MY hero! You don't put away your heroes!" ...I found myself caught up in yet a new kind of admiration for my favourite movie dude! Here was my hero defending his hero and I felt not just my usual idolizing of him just then but a kind of kinship had suddenly set in as well.


I get made fun of, a lot, about my utter dedication to the characters brought to life by the one man I'll just never feel worthy of meeting but will forever just absolutely adore; I pay it no mind. Watching and getting lost in those worlds brings me so much joy that no one will ever be able to extinguish it. Getting lost in imaginary worlds is a gift I truly cherish. My parents not only taught me but encouraged me to get lost in books and films of different times, new and old worlds of both the real and the fantastical. We all have heroes, real and imaginary. One hero of my heart is and always will be Scott Glenn and his incredible abilities to bring the coolest, strongest most handsomest imaginary heroes to life.

And so, I can never meet Scott Glenn... because I just adore him too darned brutally much.

I'm curious to know... Who are the lifelong heroes of your heart? Would you want to meet them in person, or, are you like me and just to afraid of letting them down?