Okay... so..... I think that MANY would agree with me when I say that this year of 2020 has been proving kind of a rough deal. For me, personally, it started out harsh even before the whole COVID-19 takeover with a hard-hitting ear infection setting in on the 1st of January and directly followed that up by cracking a quarter off of a molar... and tooth loss is my greatest fear. So that was some extra and unexpected fun on top of everything else I’m still dealing with in healing...🙄
Anyhow, it was only a couple of days out from my last IVIG treatment days when I had another appointment to get to, the appointment had been made before I realized it was so close after treatment time but I figured I would be feeling better enough by then to get the brutally dreaded dentist appointment over with. I had already been angsting horribly for the prior three weeks just in knowing it was on the horizon and the thought of putting it off and angsting for even longer just didn’t have any appeal for me. When dentist appointment day way too quickly rolled around, I really didn’t feel up to going; it takes me a good seven or eight days to get back to feeling strong and clear-headed after my treatment days and I was only on day five. But I wasn’t going to let myself cancel. Like I said, tooth loss is NOT something I want for myself. When I had actually broken my tooth I was given an emergency temporary fix and I knew it would have to be properly fixed shortly thereafter but with having to work around my treatment schedule it wasn’t easy to get an appointment that worked with the dental office that is almost always booked overly solid. By the time my appointment had rolled around, the world had closed down due to COVID-19 and my tooth fix was put on hold indefinitely. But at last... there came appointment day. I knew I had to go to the dentist. I don’t like going to the dentist. I didn’t want to go to the dentist. But I was getting ready to go to the dentist. And I was spending that morning trying to unknot my tummy and hold back my fears even as I felt the tears beginning just simply from being tooooo tired from my body still fighting itself from my treatments.
Despite the teary exhaustion, the day really had started out fantastically... My boys (two Greyhounds) and I had had a quiet breakfast outside in the breezy screened room. And the summer heat/humid wave of horrendous had broken in the night which made for a morning juuuust cool enough that I could wear my ‘security-blankie’ jean jacket to the dentist without melting.
Then just when we were heading back inside the house after breakfast so I could get dressed to go, the telephone rang, it was the dental office Receptionist...
“Hi Gillian, I just wanted to call and let you know that the elevator is still not working... I know the stairs are really hard for you so if you want to, we can just reschedule your appointment for a few weeks from now and hope it’ll finally be fixed by then?”
Well, I can’t even begin to tell you the wave of relief that washed over me with that phone call! I had not only an ‘out’ of my dreaded appointment BUT a totally legitimate ‘out’ that I didn’t have to make happen on my own! I was saved. I was given sweet reprieve. I was seri’sly golden!!
All I had to do was say ‘yes, please, let’s just reschedule...’ and I could just go and crawl back into my comforting bed to sleep of the rest of my IVIG ill-effects. That’s what I opened my mouth to say....... but that’s not what came out.
“Nah, that’s alright, Imma TAKE those stairs like a BOSS!!”
And then, with the complete silence that followed my idiot statement, I realized what I had said and felt my heart beginning to race in the sudden and burning panic setting instantly in.
“I mean... I mean *gulp* I mean...” I stammered on even more idiotically, “I mean, I’m gonna have someone come with me to spot me on those stairs because those stairs are SCARY AS SHIT!!! But... yeah....... Imma do those stairs like a boss.”
Still utter silence.
And then there were giggles on her end of the line and there was even greater white hot panic on my end of the line... because what the fuck did I just say??!!!
‘Imma take those stairs like a boss?!!???’ Who says something so stupid like that?? It was clearly my “I carried a watermelon...” moment of ridiculousness. So embarrassing.
Anyhow, once I’d hung up the phone it was time for new anxiety to take over. I had to call Enz for help and we weren’t on the greatest of speaking terms just then thanks to my weakened unsteadiness that had caused me to accidentally fall and knock over the vacuum powerhead he’d left propped against the washer. He’d gotten angry that the vacuum pole might hit and scratch the cabinet or the wall and in his frustration of my always stumbling had pushed me over and out of his way to catch it before any damage could be done. It was an awful mess; he felt horrible for pushing me, I sobbed uncontrollably at having been pushed down when I still am unsteady all on my own without being pushed and we still hadn’t spoken two days after that terribleness. Knowing I had to call for his help was just NOT something I wanted to have to do. BUT when I said those stairs are scary as shit..... I’m seriously NOT joking. My dentists office is on the second floor of our local shopping mall and those old linoleum-covered concrete stairs are not an easy feat for anyone who struggles with stairs. The stairs are really high-stepped and have a little lip on each tread (one of which I caught the toe of my shoe on and started to tumble forward before Enz caught and pulled me back to steady me before continuing upward), there are linoleum bubbles in places that are not pliable and there must be cracks in the concrete beneath because the unevenness of footing is unnerving and there are two turn-landings in the dark stairwell which makes it feel creepy as well as unsafe to maneuver.
I am generally pretty fortunate with my dentist visits because I am SO obsessively careful about taking care of my teeth and only have to go every nine months for a cleaning and checkup. Three times over the past five years, the elevator has been out of order. Once, when I was still on the walker, I’d had no choice but to turn around and just go home after Enz had called up to furiously cancel on my behalf. The second time, I had been still, using both of my Stix and slowly made my way up the stairs as I’d been working so hard on learning in NeuroPhysio... with the help of a very concerned woman who carefully followed me up every step before she raged in to tell of the office staff or not making sure there was safe accessibility in reaching their office. I wasn’t going to complain, I was just trying to deal but that lady was MAD and she let them know it before she left to wherever she’d been headed in the first place. I’d had to call Enz to come up after that appointment to help me down those scary as shit stairs and was thankful I had because I was still really shaky in learning the downsteps of stairs... there was honestly nothing more frightening in my learning to walk again than in starting down a flight of stairs knowing my legs weren’t dependable, and my anxiety was already at an all time high thanks to the first lady’s freakout and then Enz’s freakout over the elevator again not working when he came to pick me up when I was done and help me down.
Okay, so back to this appointment day... I didn’t want to call but I was, in the words of my beloved Stargate... “choiceless”, I needed help. Enz was beyond furious, not that I had called but that the elevator still hadn’t been fixed. And if you’re shaking your head at the lack of a big deal here, I get it, it doesn’t seem like a broken elevator should be a big deal... until you need one. He was thoroughly pissed off even as I said, “But at least they called to tell me this time...” “Yeah... minutes before your appointment?!! That’s ridiculous, Gillian, they can’t do that, I’m going to call them... what’s the number?”
I was, quite honestly, really pissed off about the practically always broken elevator myself but I somehow had calmed the storm that was Enz and he’d agreed to take me and help me both up and down those scary as shit stairs and he’d promised to do it without making a fuss in the office about the unworking elevator. But he was FUMING and he couldn’t help himself from (thankfully politely) inquiring as to when the elevator would finally be fixed before he left me there for my appointment. The good happening was that the scary as shit stairs hooplah had overturned the icy silence in joint upset over the new dilemma.
I was a nervous wreck as I sat in the waiting area desperately trying to calm myself from the stress of even just getting upstairs to the office and my almost fall on the first set of stairs as we’d climbed. I felt hot with embarrassment of having needed help when I’ve been getting so much stronger and I was working hard to both settle my still panicked breathing and to hold threatening tears at bay.
And that’s when the office telephone rang.
The receptionist turned to catch my eye and looking directly at me, she said... “Imma answer dat phone... like a BOSS!!”
And we both dissolved into hysterical giggles before she had to pull herself together to pick up the telephone.
That’s when, in but a shared giggle over my earlier telephone idoitness, all was good again.
So, what’s the moral of this little big story of ridiculousness??
Even the simplest seeming tasks can feel like the most unachievable challenges no matter the situation. In not giving myself time to retreat, I pushed myself forward... even when I was still weak from treatments, ultimately that forward choice made me feel just a little bit stronger of will. And in not being too prideful to ask for help on the scary as shit stairs, well, it may seem like I sold out but there’s strength to be found in setting up for safety, too. It’s okay to take on scary challenges. And it’s okay to ask for help.
So whatever it is YOU have to do today, be it easy, be it challenging, just make sure...
