My mama misses hugs... she told me so a couple of evenings ago in her driveway when I stopped by to return a few containers to her. And as I sat there in my car with window rolled down talking with her from where she sat ‘safely distanced by Coronavirus Overseers (for lack of better titling) dictated standards’ on her front porch steps, I had what was perhaps a first of my lifetime moments where I wanted to be able to climb down from my vehicle to give her what she missed. At the same time, I was also grateful for having the excuse to NOT have to be hugged. But I hate seeing my mom feeling down in the dumps so I totally would have done it if I’d been allowed to.
Hugs are not something I’m comfortable with. I’ve made it a hard rule for my whole life to keep my feelings-shell intact, to keep my walls high, to keep my heart bound... yet open. It’s been a tough balance. I don’t offer hugs and I always keep myself somewhat coiled for immediate springback once given even a slight release if I find myself in a position of not having been able to shrug off being pulled into one.
It’s not that I don't want to be close and huggy and even just... comfortable ... with the people I care about, it’s just simply that I won’t allow myself to go there. Abandonment issues have grown along with me from as far back as my mind can see and for very good reason which those who know me well will understand; in one way I know that’s not a good way to live but in another way, it’s left me pretty well set for dealing in this horrible time of commanded isolation. Still, I do have feelings and worries that run painfully-deeply through my heart for others who are having down times. I’m having a really hard time witnessing all the longing for real human connection I see happening throughout my small circle while scrolling through our shared social media posts. I care, incredibly, I just have a reeaaally hard time in showing it and other than being too tall, too chubby, too annoying, too ugly with way too constantly messy hair, this having an open yet closed-off heart is really the only other thing I hate about myself. One thing I do actually like about myself is that I can always... always find an UPside to every life happening I find myself within and this Coronavirus situation is no different. The UPside throughout this ordeal, for me, has been that I can still reach out to all the people who matter so much to me. I can email, message, text and phone to check in and make sure my family and my friends are doing okay in managing through. We are sooooo fortunate to be in this time of connect-ability! When I was a teenager wayyyyy back in the ‘80s, my dad was a Lumberjack/Forestry Safety Consultant and worked in remote bush camps throughout every week which almost always meant we said goodnight to him before bedtime on Sundays and we didn’t see or talk with him again until we got home from school on Fridays... there were no cell phones, there was no internet to offer connection from afar in those days. I know it isn’t the same to stay connected through cell and internet means but I’m sure extra grateful that we have the technology we do nowadays to help us stick together while distancing..... even though virtual hugs just aren’t the same as the real ones the huggers, like my mom, are missing. Who knows? The first mama hug back to people peopling may be the only one of my lifetime I don’t try to wriggle my way out of... or it might not be, I guess time will tell.😉😂
Anyhow... I’ve been checking in with family and friends and I’ll continue to check in because I want to know that all of YOU, huggers and non-huggers, are doing okay, even in these not the funnest of times. Struggles happen for us all but an actual full-ON together struggle where we’re all in the same-ish situation, such as this one, is pretty unbelievable... even as it’s actually happening it’s a tough one to even try and understand. All I do understand is that we’re in it together and that’s a definite UPside because I couldn’t ask for a better posse to ride out this time of confusion with!
And just so YOU’ll know...
