Physiotherapy - Appointment 26: (September 12, 2016.)
Today was all about learning to manoeuvre over and around obstacles... and it was a good day!
Since I was the only patient working in the neuro gym this afternoon we had the floorspace to work on an obstacle course of sorts. Now, I love obstacle courses in the usual challenging sense (I'm WAY too competitive for my own good) but as I watched Julie make her way through in showing me exactly the course and techniques I would need to use... it made me a little heartbroken. Not so long ago, I was toe-stopping and quick-stepping circles on my skates in agility drills around similar cones to those which were now taunting me to even dare try walking without falling around them. I tried to fully pay attention to every word, every motion but memories kept sneaking in as I suddenly longed for my past.
Longing for my past almost shocked me in a way because it's something I have been extremely firm with myself about not letting happen since this ridiculous illness struck. Even the very first night in the hospital, after my legs had become paralyzed, I didn't let myself, for even a second, feel pity or regret over what had been lost for who knows how long. I immediately focused (even through the devastating humiliations) on just getting through and onto what every next step - pun totally unintended - might be... the next doctor, the next test, the next therapy, the next hope ...because I knew even then, that allowing myself to be let down with what was happening was only going to succeed in holding me back. So today was a bit of a slap in the face regarding that broken promise to myself but in other ways it was full-on greatness so I'll take that compromise and I'll be grateful for it.
On to the obstacle course we go! I thought it might be easier if I drew you a little 'likeness' of the set-up instead of trying to explain since I tend to trip up with my words just about as often as I do my feet these days... it could get very confusing.
So... that's supposed to be me in all my rats nest hair messiness while sitting on the therapy table/bed stretching my legs and doing 'alphabet ankle warm-ups' with my ankles while learning the route I would soon be taking. First I had to weave my way through the cones and back before immediately going over to the elastic training bands laid out on the floor and stepping over each one as though it were a bump or a puddle or a curb and then back through the bands and back over to rest on the bed. Simple sounding, for certain! However, it took much and difficult concentration to manage through but I did and it became easier each time through.
Once I was slightly comfortable with the course, Julie had me take a water break while she made the course just a wee bit more difficult by adding a wheeled stool into the traffic cones mix as well as another two bands to the banded ladder mix. The turns were tighter around the cones and it took more work to steady my movements but I followed each of my walking sticks and concentrated so hard my brain was practically screaming so before I knew it, I had made it through the weaving and was headed toward the band zone. This next challenge with the bands was really hard at first; I was supposed to try to make it through by placing my walking sticks (still refusing to call them crutches) and only ONE foot was allowed to set down between each opening, like climbing a ladder. I was nervous. I faltered, had to stop and reorganize my body and my movements my first few tries but then it finally clicked in my brain... just like climbing the stairs! And it was, exactly like climbing the stairs... hands forward on the sticks instead of the handrail, one foot across instead of up, weight-shifting to the forward leg then following through and forward with the opposite leg ...it clicked and it STUCK! And I totally aced the band test!!!
We worked through the obstacle course for about an hour and then, after a quick rest, we headed for the hallway ramp by the main registration office. I managed really well with the hallway turns and corridors
getting to the hallway ramp but I didn't do so well once we actually reached the busy hub... Julie had tried to prepare me on our way that there would be more people, that it was a busy area but that I was ready to try the ramp with the sticks instead of the walker. Believe me, I am glad to know I will soon graduate from the walker but even still, I am having as difficult a time in coming to terms with needing these walking aids as much as I did the walker at first. I can't even describe how embarrassed I feel and when my embarrassed nerves are rattled in the midst of others, I just can't gain control over my wobbliness. I felt tears start to pool and I couldn't speak for fear of losing it so instead I just kept going while listening to Julie and staring down at my every movement of step. It was pretty terrifying going down the ramp. I crunched my abs and tried to stay forward enough that I wouldn't fall backward but upright enough that I wouldn't face plant... which I almost did a couple of times. I was grateful for the safety belt I normally hate so much. By our fourth time down and up the ramp, I had lessened slightly in my struggle and found that just like with the stairs and the Hill of Camelot, going up was far easier a task and I was glad to have ended with that direction both climb-wise and heart-wise. On our way back to the neuro gym we stopped to rest for a couple of minutes in the chairs outside the big physio gym to try and settle my nerves a might.
Finally, we were heading back to our normal quiet nook of hallway and did a full walking loop of the familiar thirty-six meter long corridor. When we made it back to the gym I was presented with my final challenge for the day - opening the heavy door that Julie had closed behind us when we had left for the ramp. Now, I know it sounds silly that I would have to learn how to open a door but with both hands spoken for by the arm walking sticks and having to be completely conscious of my body placement and movement in order to stay steadily standing while pushing and holding the door and actually making my way through wasn't quite as easy as even I felt it should have been. But Julie explained and in my trust of her, I left my fear at the door (that pun was entirely intended;) and I pushed on through (that one too!) until I was on the inside once again.
Today was definitely an adventure in obstacles both worldly and inner-beingly. I managed through some better than others but I ultimately managed to survive all challenges of the day. I feel a little tired but mostly proud that I didn't actually let tears fall today!
You know what the hardest part is right now? I actually really want to get back out into the world without embarrassment; I mean, I
reeaaally wanted to be solid and not feel embarrassed and less-than in the main hallway ramp but then I see one person glance in my direction and I turn to complete mortified jelliness and I need to hide again. Mind over matter is just not working for me lately so any tips anyone might have... please share them in the comments section! I know there are others who also need help with these kinds of inadequate feelings and I always hope that this blog might help others feel not so alone in their own struggles. Sharing is everything!
Physiotherapy - Appointment 27: (September 16, 2016.)
This morning began with a warm-up walk, through the hallways, with the walking sticks at therapy. Julie said we were going to take on the ramp first thing and get that out of the way which I was thankful for so I didn't have to stew over just even
knowing it was on our agenda... So off we went toward the main hallway and though I could feel my body beginning to tense in anticipation, it helped that Julie was quietly reminding me to block all the noise and movement around us out and just concentrate on my movements. It helped until two ladies on a coffee break stopped right in the middle of the ramp while talking to another patient who was in a wheelchair and had also stopped in the middle of the ramp... the set-up didn't leave a whole lot of extra room in the approximately five foot wide hallway. I didn't mean to but I started to panic. What if I were to topple and bump into them? What if they stepped back without looking and bumped into me?? What if I was holding somebody else up who was trying to get around the whole stopped and hallway ramp blocking commotion??? I instinctively tried to squeeze myself as tightly against the wall as I could (wishing I could just disappear inside of it) but then I couldn't move my arms fluidly enough to move the sticks meant to help support me. I fumbled, I wobbled, my foot got stuck and I tripped, I was embarrassed and nervous and it all just felt horrible. When I had finally survived the down trip, Julie had me just stand next to the wall and led me through a few deep breaths to try and help calm my shakiness before we crossed the hallway and started up the other side of the ramp. Going up was much better once the hallway had cleared of people and the breathing techniques had begun to help. Julie asked if we could try it one more time because our first try had been so rough. I'll admit it... I wanted to say 'no' and I know that Julie would have respected my decision at that point after my almost complete meltdown but I would have later been devastated with myself for having given up. So we turned around and we did it again, twice, and with each attempt in the suddenly and gratefully now quiet hallway I felt stronger and more controlled both times.
We started back toward the neuro gym and I was a little shakier on the winding hallway turns than I would have liked after my brush with panic but by the time we had arrived back to the safety of the quiet gym I was ready for more challenges. Julie had asked me if I wanted to sit in the chairs outside the big gym for a little rest but I had said that I really just wanted to keep going; yes I was still a little shaky but I knew I still had energy and I wanted to get out of the hallway maze as quickly as I possibly could. My rest would come as I reached the familiar comfort of the therapy table... which I relished settling atop after my ordeal.
I took a few sips from my water bottle as I watched Julie search for and then create a similar obstacle course to the one above which we worked through last Monday. This time, instead of the therapy bands she used badminton rackets to give just a little bit of height for me to step over. So, the plan was to step over each racket immediately upon approach rather than stopping and 'gearing up' for the step-over followed by moving directly into a full turn around the plastic cone and so on until I was back at the therapy table. We had worked on the direction turns around the cones last time but this was our first attempt at full three-sixty degree turns.
I started out well and managed fairly easily over the first racket but the full, tight turn around the cone didn't come quite as easily. I moved the walking sticks ahead and tried to follow them with my legs but the tight angle was a little too awkward when my right leg just couldn't seem to follow and I had another little upset of panic... My panic didn't come from my immediate surroundings but from an exact same situational little fall I had taken just two evenings ago at our camp. We are at the point in building our main cabin where there is stuff all over the place for the plumbing, the electrical, insulation stuff and just all the building necessities we need available right now; add to all that the scaffolding and the eight Adirondack chairs waiting to be stained and it is a obstacle course in itself! Anyhow, it was nine o-clock and the sun had almost completely set so we were trying to get out with just lantern light, which was fine, there was enough light, but I was standing at the scaffold corner with my walker just to my left and Enz asked me to pass him the tape measure which was on the chair arm to my right. There wasn't enough room for me to bring my walker around and when I turned to reach for the measure, my foot didn't turn with my body and down I went. Fortunately, Enz was close enough to be able to catch hold of me in enough time to manage me a soft set-down onto the concrete floor instead of the smashing land I would otherwise have had. I was VERY lucky to have not hurt myself in that fall but it still scared me a little. Or, more than a little, I suddenly realized as I tried to wind my way around the first cone this morning... I did manage through with help from Julie who was securely holding the safety belt around my ribs to help keep me steady.
When I had made it back to the table, Julie had watched and figured out a way to help me turn easier and with more confidence. I was still scared but willing to try. Instead of trying to lift my right foot from behind to come forward in that arc that proves so difficult for me, I was to weight-transfer to my left leg but keep my right toes on the floor and pivot that right foot in a sliding turn motion before lifting and placing it for the next forward step. Halfway through the second cone it kind of clicked in my brain that it was just like skiing and I remembered way back to when I was a tiny kiddo just learning to use my ski poles...
plant the pole, pivot and ski arouuund it, plant the pole, pivot and ski arouuund it ... and I just kept that reel turning in my head as I moved my body in the way I know so well, my beloved ski motions which now also bring me great hope that I will again soon be whizzing down a mountainside and all this will become just a distant memory! We worked through the course three times more and it became easier each time though Julie said we still need to practice on the full turns so I become safer. I agree!
The highlight of today was in our last challenge of the day... learning to pick things up in case of droppage! Julie warned and gently prepared me for how hard it was going to be so I was ready but hesitant. She dropped five clothespins over the floor and then moved toward one to demonstrate...
"Walk up to the clothespin but keep back a few inches, spread apart your feet to give yourself more of a wider center of gravity, plant one pole and let the other handle go and it will stay attached to your arm. Then you will push your hips back slightly and bend forward... then bend your knees like you are going to sit into a chair until you can reach the clothespin. Next, straighten your body to stand up and clip the clothespin onto your shirt or the belt and move on to the next one..." Sounded like she had been right and I felt myself flush a little in worry but I stood immediately to give it a go.
Getting into position was fairly easy. Planting the pole and keeping balance while letting go of the opposite pole handle was fairly easy. Pushing my hips back and bending at my waist was fairly easy. But bending my knees with my face staring directly at the hard floor tiles was definitely NOT so fairly easy. Julie had to remind me and basically badger me until I did finally relent and force my knees to bend into a slight squatting stance until I could reach the clothespin. Once I had managed the first time without face-planting it was easier to manage through the rest of the pins but I still didn't feel great about putting myself in such a vulnerable feeling position even though Julie assured me that my muscles were strong enough now and I wouldn't fall. She was right.
On the second time through the clothespin pick-ups, Julie added in a final challenge; Once I had picked up all the pins I was to then walk over to the metal activity board and stand facing it but about eighteen inches back from it... she layed a cane down to mark the 'line' I wasn't supposed to step beyond. My goal was to unclip each pin from the belt end and reach forward and up to place it on the 'roof' of the board while holding my balace on one planted pole. This reaching part was a little tough but crunching my abs helped me hold myself togetherthrough the forward leans. I put all the pins up with my right hand and then switched to use my left had to bring each pin down and resnap it onto the belt before walking over to again take off and drop each one into their case.
Julie was as amazed as I was that what she had figured would be unbelievabley hard in learning to pick things up had actually turned out to be a task that wasn't so hard, after all. I was amazed and thankful, too. It started a little roughly but turned into a pretty fantastical day!
