Justin... a soul of pure beautiful.....

Today has been a pretty brutal day.

I thought I would be able to hold myself together. I didn’t. I was okay, other than a little shaky, as I made my way inside the building but the instant I reached the truest friends I’ve ever known I lost every ounce of strength I had so counted upon to hold me together.

There’s family and there’s friends… and then there’s friends who become family. It was years ago, probably close to twenty-seven years ago when our families connected in friendship and it was as though we had all just always known one another. We shared family dinners, holidays and celebrations, the dads had John Wayne westerns marathons and went on camping and fishing trips and the moms and went shopping and lunching and even worked together at the same office.

Heidi (the youngest daughter of our family friends) and her husband, Donnie, were a little older than I was but I looked up to them and wanted to be just like them, so comfortable with one another and so together in life. When their first son, Matthew, was born, it was an incredible gift to be included in the beautiful. Matthew was only three days old the first time I held him and though I was terrified of his tininess, once I had him in my arms I was taken completely in by his already bigger than life little heart. I spent a LOT of time with Matthew during his first years, he was even our wedding Ring-Bearer and I can still see him and his cousin Cassie who was Flower-Girl as they walked together down the aisle… and I just couldn’t wait until I might one day have kiddoes of my own. For us, it never happened, but boy were we over the moon to find out that Matthew was going to be a big brother!!

The first time I held Justin was while he and his mama, Heidi, were still in the hospital the day after he was born. Heidi had been sitting in the bed holding Justin and I remember feeling the same fears of holding such tiny preciousness that I’d had when I’d first held his big brother years before. But Donnie bent to lift him from Heidi’s arms with a natural easiness as he gazed at and chatted to his newest son before promptly setting him into my nervous but wanting arms. I was nice in sharing the love and I did let Enz have a turn of holding sweet little Justin, too but secretly… I wanted to get to do ALL the holding.

I wasn’t as fortunate in getting to spend as much time with Justin when he was young as I had with Matthew but the times I did get to share, I cherished. Justin had the biggest smile and the deepest eyes and he gave the truest hugs, and there really is no hug like a meaningful one given from the littlest arms filled with open-hearted joy. I did get to spend one full week of caring for Justin when he was around three and he was seriously sweetness overload; I’m still so grateful for those days spent together. We played with toys, we read books, we walked and played outside and we sang the eensy weensy spider song again and again and again and again and……. and every time we finished the song through he would pull my hands up to start the spidery climbing motions again. He never was at a loss for communicating despite not being able to speak in words and his beautiful shone through every word that he spoke through his heart.

Through the years we moved way out to the country and they eventually also moved out to the country and we didn’t get to see each other much at all in the years that followed. Heidi and Donnie were busy with work and with their beautiful boys and we were always busy with building and working and I hate it but we slowly drifted further apart except for important family functions… And in absolute honesty, it was really hard for me to be around kids for a really long time when we were going through the devastation of trying and failing to become parents ourselves.

But… although we weren’t always together in doing things, our families remained close as ‘family’ and I still feel like Heidi and Donnie are another sister and brother I just haven’t gotten to see as often as I’d like and I’ve really missed them, and the whole entire family, too.

And today was another family celebration… it was a celebration of beautiful Justin’s life shared in the devastating pain of goodbye.

I wanted to be composed for Heidi and Donnie as they were forced to let go of their desperately loved son of just nineteen years. I wanted to offer words of how big my little moments shared with Justin had been for me. I wanted to find strength to offer them when they would most need a little extra. I wanted to keep together, but seeing friends who are always family in my heart, with shattered hearts of missing one more smile, one more hug, one more moment shared with their beautiful Justin… well, instead of keeping together I broke down in tears the moment I reached them. All hope for composure was lost. I had no words to offer. I had no strength to share. All I could do was offer my love through hugs… the same way that sweet Justin had shared his love and trust with those little arms I can still feel wrapped tightly around my neck.

I was thankful I had decided to keep my true and trusted jean-jacket on, after all… I had worn it over my dress when leaving the house but had taken along a shoulder-sweater to wear into the Funeral Chapel but at the last minute I’d decided I needed my jean-jacket security blanket with the single Kleenex I’d slipped into the pocket in true belief that I could wait until I was home to need more; I think I used up most of the whole Kleenex package my mom had brought and set between us. I haven't a clue how my mom managed to keep herself together to go up and do a Bible reading... but she did; she's a much stronger heart than I.

I hate goodbyes and this goodbye was honestly one I never, for even a second, thought I would ever have to say. My eyes cried painful tears and my heart ached horribly through the letting go but about halfway through the ceremony the corner of my eye caught the glow of the curtain sheer over the window next to where Enz sat beside me at the very end of the front 'family row' of chairs... the sun shining through shadowed a perfect and comforting cross as it came through the divided windows and I knew that he was now forever safe in loving arms, without pain from his recent emergency surgery and living his every dream in a gentler place filled with nothing but love. I am grateful to have known and loved Justin and I will miss him and his smile that will live in my memories of him forever.

Camp encounters of the MOOSE variety...

This lil' guy greeted us when we turned onto our camp road this morning.

He was in no rush and seemed happy to lead so we were happy to slowly follow.

This young bull led us all the way to our camp but turned and wouldn't let us past and into our
drive so we pulled into a neighbours drive to give him room to go back

Because the neighbours uncaringly for their own dogs, their neighbours and the beautiful creatures of the forest just allow their dogs to run free... the poor and beautiful moose felt forced to charge.

"BACK OFFFFFFF!!!!!"

"I shouldn't have had to do that..." 

Thankfully, our boys were in the car being safe, secure and respectful!

Day watched like this.

Play watched like this.

I sure hope the neighbours learned a lesson from
that BIG warning of nature!

We kept back in hope that he wouldn't decide a charge in our
direction was also necessary!

We thought we'd 'butt' seen the last of Mister Gorgeous.

Until he turned back around.

...and then he just calmly walked on by us before disappearing back into the forest.

Taste the memories...

.....or not.

My mom called a couple of nights ago and said, "It's Derby's birthday on Wednesday and I've been really wanting a cake with boiled icing..."

"Okayyy..." I replied, "sooooo... are you just sharing this information? Or, are you inviting us? Orrrrr, well, what exactly is happening here? Because you sound really unsure..."

"Well, no I'm not unsure, I'm checking if that's okay with you two (Enz had answered and we were all just talking on speaker-phone) that cake with boiled icing is okay, of course I'm inviting you!"

"Oh, well you know boiled icing is my favourite so it's fantastic with me but Enz hates it."

"No, it's fine," Enz interjected, "I can live with it and I'm trying to lose some weight anyhow."

So, it was decided and I was totally stoked for boiled icing, which only happens once every few years or so when my mom gets the 'boiled icing hankering'. Now I know what you're thinking and you're right... I could just make it my own self whenever I want a boiled icing treat but when I tried it made me cry. It was probably only about two years after I had married when I called my mom to ask how to make boiled icing and she was happy to share the recipe; just like me, my mama loves to share and is not a keeper of secret recipes, even special old family recipes because we simply believe that deliciousness should always be shared! Anyhow, she found and gave me the recipe and told me all the steps in making it in a double-boiler saucepan. It was a simple recipe, turned out perfectly and tasted just like all the times she had ever made it for us in my lifetime. All was joyous as I spread the icing over the cake but then, when I moved to the sink to wash the pot... I had seen the scratch-damage the electric mixer beaters had done to the pot and I dissolved into a mess of hysterical tears. The scratches were small but they were all over the inside of our beautiful and very expensive pots and I was devastated that I had caused the damage in my quest for the perfect icing. If it happened now, twenty years later, I would likely shrug it off as just another lesson learned but back then we didn't have a whole lot of money to just easily replace things. We were newly married , had bought country property and were still in the process of building our first house so every penny we had, we sunk into the house. When we moved into the house after we were first married we were actually still at the drywall stage and somehow scraped enough money together to buy one interior door so we at least had bathroom privacy... so with still finishing with finishing our slow build and furnishing, replacing a scratched pot was wayyyyy down on our list of needs and I was beyond upset with myself for wrecking it in the first place. Anyhow, that is why I can't make boiled icing on my own...

But I still love boiled icing and looked forward to it all day long when Wednesday had finally rolled around... two WHOLE and looooooong days later. We arrived at my mom's house, the boys had their hello's before they all took their ritual first trip out to the pen together... I don't know why they have to check out everyone else's pen habits upon first helloes but they do and then they all came back inside and switched between visiting/sleeping mode and neighbourhood-watch mode.

Derby curled up between Mama and brother-in-law, Mike...

... and Play found a comfy pillow for a quick pre cake-time nap of his own.....

.....while Day plunked himself down on the pillow closest to the toy tin with his
chosen friend of the day, not to nap BUT to complain and heckle about the
"supposed cake..." and when it would be served and if it EVERRR would be
served or if they had all just been duped because he hadn't seeeeen any actual
pupcake waiting to be enjoyed! Clearly, waiting is hard...

Thankfully, there were neighbourhood-watch breaks to interrupt the (barely there) wait time.

I was seriously happy when my mom was cutting the cake...

...and went to help with serving and was overjoyed when she had a special piece st aside for me with TONS of icing! But then, a few minutes later when I actually fork-dug into the waiting deliciousness... well, I hate to have to admit it but..... I was a little disappointed.

"This icing is different..." I said and looked at my mom questioningly.

"It is a little different, isn't it? I don't know why..."she answered thoughtfully.

"It's not bad," I said, "but it's not the same like always..."

"I used the same recipe I've been using lately... but you're right, there is a different taste to it."

"What do you mean 'using lately'? I know you tried a different recipe a few years ago but I thought we fixed that! This is definitely NOT the recipe you always used to use!"

"Well, it's not the recipe I used when you kids were growing up and for years and years afterward, no..."

I couldn't hide my look of 'are you crazy??!!!' as I asked her, "Then, what's even the point???"

Even Mama didn't know how to respond to my question.

"I'll eat it because it's cake and it's still okay," I said, "but it's NOT the same! And this problem should never have to come up again because if something works we need to just stick with it. Or the next time you call and say you have a craving for boiled icing all you need to do is say you'd like to try a new recipe for boiled icing so that people, ie-ME, won't be expecting to taste the memory!"

All in all, the cake was good, it just was different than I was prepared for. The boys all thoroughly enjoyed their vanilla pupcakes and we all had a little visit for the first time in awhile. Derby is now the big 6 and everyone was so happy to get to share in his birthday with him.

Play even found a quick special moment to go over and sing Happy Birthday to his Uncle Derby while Gramma patted him and sang harmony... Day was too tired to join in since he'd spent his earlier naptime hammering on about being late for cake!

Do you have favourite recipes from when you were young that someone has tried to change-up on you without warning you first? How did you react? Politely? Or, were you a little more rudely outspoken like me? I tried to not say anything, I really did... but in the end I had to speak up and hopefully save us all for next time!