Back to therapy... Week 1

Physiotherapy Round TWO - Appointment 1: (March 12, 2018.)

I’m not sure why I was so nervous about today... but I was. I guess it was just the fear of yet another physical assessment and worrying over how I might ‘measure up’ this time. Some of the stresses were lower than when I first began therapy in the Neurology Day Program because I already knew where I was going and I already knew and felt comfortable’n’trusting of who I would be working with... so, going back into a quick, intensive physio program, this time, has struck me more with hopeful than with trepidation which is a really great thing!

Having switched over to working with a new Neurologist who is happy to still be seeing improvements (no matter how small) has been incredibly uplifting for me. When my first neurologist started to just write me off while trying to convince me I should be happy to have any movement back in my legs, I hit a bit of a low point and questioned myself. I was fortunate to get angry enough that I didn't let myself give up and found my way to not only a new and helpful Neurologist but also a finally confirmed and diagnosis of Guillaine-Barré Syndrome that I really am healing from and likely will fully recover from. It’s because of my new specialist that I am back in the Neuro Day Program once again and my hope is that with a little more learnings and workings I will be able to ditch my Stix for good before long.

Now, please don’t get me wrong... I am NOT dissin’ the Stix; I seriously cannot express to you just how much I absolutely LOVE my SideStix and I know that I would not be anywhere near as independently moving again without the support, both physically and emotionally, they have offered me over the past year and a half! My Stix have given me the confidence I couldn’t muster when I was in the wheelchair or on the walker because I was just so beyond humiliated at being seen and devastated at feeling trapped in a chair or behind a walker. I had grown in ‘okayness with my situation’ enough that I allowed a few pictures with my walker once I worked up to being a little more mobile but I was too ashamed to let any be taken while I was wheelchairing around and in not being proud of my pridefulness back then I made the focused decision that I wouldn’t hide any longer when the Stix time came along. I think it was just a realization that hit me of how hard I had to work in learning how to walk again... but in reality, I was wasting too much energy trying to hide away from the world I felt might judge my sudden downfall. I was embarrassed to be starting back at toddler-hood again and it was scary on my always happy soul for awhile. But I threw myself right straight out into the wide open when my lifesaving Stix came along. It did take me awhile to admit that I needed them, awhile longer to actually force myself to order them but once they were delivered to me I was not only ready for them, I was grateful for them. I am grateful for them. I am NOT embarrassed by them. Still, I’d like to be able to confidently tuck them away and again be able to walk all on my own and maybe with this next quick round of therapy I’ll be a little more prepared for when it finally does come to happen.

As my first day back, today was an assessment day, much like the first time around had been. I have been back a couple of times over the year and a half since my last intensive round of therapy to update my home exercises but those were only for single appointments, Because I am so structured and dedicated to doing my daily home exercises; the rule for me has been that when the exercises become not as challenging I call and go for slightly more challenging updates which has been working well because I like to be home in my safe space to do my exercises unseen by others... I still do have a few issues in pride upsets but I’m working on that, too.

Anyhow, back to the assessment and why I had been so worried about it. It’s a little hard to explain but when I last finished my intensive round of physio I was transitioning from being on a walker to walking with the forearm crutches and it was a pretty challenging time. However, I feel like I have come sooooo far with my walking, my balance, my endurance and even just my confidence and willingness to get out try to be active again, even if on a much lower scale than my own normal used to be. I feel like I’ve made SO much progress but as today’s therapy appointment neared I started to question whether I had been honest with myself... had I really improved over the past seventeen months or have I just been letting myself believe I’ve improved? Self-doubt... it's a toughy! But when Julie's eyes lit up at how I walked in, I knew that my improvements were not just in my mind but also showed in my body’s regained ability. I still have a way to go but to know that the progress is noticeable to others is just one more giant push to keep going. It’s so easy with something as slow in healing as Guillaine-Barré to get lost in that slow roll because when progress is slow, it’s hard to see it as it happens.

Looking back now I really can see that from this...

.....to this, was HUGE!

Last time, I cried with disappointment as I failed every test and for safety’s sake was reluctantly put back onto a walker. Today I cried with gratefulness to have struggled and wobbled but not fallen through every balance challenge of the stability test. I didn’t ace the tests, by any means, but I was able to shakily hold myself upright without being held which is pretty huge! My left leg has grown much stronger, my right leg still needs help. I have to admit that I was a little nervous to begin today because Julie has two about-to-graduate Physio students on assignment from McMaster University in Southern Ontario working with her right now and I am not so good at the whole new people seeing me faltering deal but when she asked I stepped a little further out of my comfort zone in fully agreeing to allow both of them into the loop I deliberately keep very small. I am big on urging sharing and so I must be open to sharing as well, right?! Who knows, sharing my struggles might help both young men to understand a little about the rare GBS if they come across it as they begin on their own journies helping others to heal, especially since both said that mine is the first case either have been involved with. I figure the more help, the better to heal which far outweighs any hesitation of a couple more people seeing my awkwardness... instead I am forcing myself to view it as having a couple more people on my side against this formidable foe of an illness.

My main goal in continuing to work on learning to walk on my own again is still to be able to walk my boys (two Greyhounds) all on my own without needing supervision and help to keep us all safe. But this time around in therapy I have added a new +goal... I want to walk with a normal gait. I am still stumbly because my right foot just still does not want to listen to my brain and walk with a proper heel to toe movement though I have have greatly improved in now being able to put my foot flat on the floor rather than not being able to control my toes dropping first with the whole foot-drop awfulness... it still takes concentration to make it happen. The other issue with my right leg weakness is that when I weight-transfer to my right side my leg snaps violently back at my knee and throws me off which usually causes a fall and that’s never fun.

For the most part I have been doing well with keeping up my work toward healing as well as with holding patience in waiting for my nerves to physically heal but I am hoping that this next quick jump-start will push me even further ahead. I was honestly hoping for just a single appointment of learning new home exercises but Julie is figuring that in just a few weeks of intense work we might just be able to teach my legs to work a little better thanks to the nerves having begun repair and
having some feeling back to help gauge new movements.

All in all it was a really great appointment today and although it left me utterly beyond exhausted I left feeling like I seriously wanted to do a Mary Katherine Gallagher “SUPERSTARRRRR.....” in the hallway as I left; maybe on the day I can finally ditch my Stix I will! Next Monday I begin a quick stint back in therapy but I am not looking at it as ‘going back’ because I’m working forward, I just need a little more help in learning how to deal with my still a little uncooperative legs.

Regretfully broken.....

I’ve mentioned before, in my blogging, that personality-wise I pretty much only have two ‘speeds’... happy and laughing or LOOK OUT ‘CAUSE I AM PISSED RIGHT OFF!! Today I am definitely of the latter.

I totally SHOULD have been that dreaded ‘BITCHY and DEMANDING’ hound-mama instead of the pleading worrier... Two Mondays ago I called the Vet and told them my Day had started suddenly limping on his left hind leg and that I felt he needed an x-ray. Even though I am with him all the time, I didn’t witness an injury occur but it was clear he was suddenly hurting and something was wrong with his leg. They told me They could book him for an appointment that Friday. I asked if we could get an x-ray during the week in preparation for the appointment. “No, we’ll wait and see what the doctor decides to do when she sees him on Friday.”

I was upset but we do not have many choices for care options where we live and with all of Day’s medical issues already known with this office It seemed in his best interest to stick there through what might end up being an emergency visit. We reluctantly waited it out until our appointment on Friday but called twice again over that week to see if there were any x-ray or appointment cancellations to get him checked as his limp worsened.

Finally, at the appointment, the doctor saw that he was hobbling, saw that he was refusing to bear any weight on that leg but because he did the usual ‘Greyhound statue and just take what happens to me through an examination while disappearing somewhere behind glazed over eyes’ she said she figured with his age and all the wear and tear his joints would have taken over his racing years it was likely just arthritis starting and that we should try him on a Glucosamine /anti-inflammatory mix to wait and see if that would help.

I asked directly if we shouldn’t just do an x-ray to figure out the true root of the issue instead of supposing and trying a supplement... he was clearly having serious pain issues. No, she figured she knew what it was and we should see a change within just a few days.

By end of the following Monday he was still badly hobbling so we called first thing Tuesday morning and told them he was not better, even a little bit, and that he NEEDED an x-ray. They told us that it could take a few more days for the supplements to show they would be of help and that he probably would be fine.

But I knew he wasn’t “fine”.....

Because I was too close to just flipping completely the fuck out on them, if I was to phone, I finally made Enz call back Tuesday evening and force them to make him an appointment for an x-ray and not just to see the doctor again. They finally agreed to book him in for an x-ray for today, ELEVEN days after I first called and asked to have an x-ray of his leg. The newest stress problem for us was that although they had agreed to book him for an x-ray for today (Friday), they wouldn’t pinpoint a time and that we would need to drop him off between 8:00 - 8:30am and they would try and find a time to get an x-ray of his leg in between all the other booked treatments for the day. That was a definite NO-GO for me. Why should he have to wait all day long in a clinic kennel when he hates being kenneled, is not happy at the Vet’s and is already in pain??! Extra stress on top of being in pain... not if I could help it and I was already mad!

So, we called back yesterday and fought again for an actual x-ray appointment time... Finally, after the reception staff had discussed with the doctor hours later,  they had called us back and told us to have him there for 8:30 this morning and that the x-ray would be done right then while we waited. 

Even as they took him (painfully unwillingly and scared to death of going back through the treatment area doors) I could feel that the staff was far from pleased with us for having been so pushy about getting him x-rayed. By this point, though, all I cared about was getting the pictures over with. It was only about a minute or so later when his doctor came out to say that they wouldn’t be able to x-ray him without sedating him because he was just too uncomfortable. She would give him the reversible sedation and do the pictures right away but wanted to keep him for a couple of hours to be sure he was clear-headed and steady enough on his three comfortable legs to be safe for us to bring him home. THAT, I was fine with, I just hadn’t been fine with him sitting uncomfortably and stressed out for hours on end in wait of x-ray.

Play and I weren’t even home for a full hour before the phone call came. Day’s doctor sounded very regretful as she told me what was wrong with my Day’s poor leg... my poor lil’ sunshiny Day has a broken ankle. And I feel like the absolute WORST mama ever to live because I knew... I KNEW that something was wrong but didn’t become the total raging BITCH that I should have in forcing them to look deeper in my fear of being shunned and put off for longer if I pissed them off too badly at the clinic.

My poor, splinted-up, Day... zoned and woozy still from the sedative.

This just sucks..... like, SO bad.......

Now I know I am not a Veterinarian but I know my boys and I know when something is wrong with them... but the fact that I questioned the initial diagnosis and asked for an x-ray over and again should NOT have been dismissed so carelessly. Day’s poor ankle break is on the front part of his ankle... the break, fortunately did not snap right through the entire bone but along with the main fracture he also had a chip fracture occur where a chunk of bone broke off at the front. From the type of break he has it appears he likely broke it with a wonky jump-landing while playing. Day is a WILD zoomie-Greyhound when it comes to playtime and often gets so zoned and focused that I have to corral, catch and hold him tight to help him stop when he can’t stop himself... sometimes its scary to see him zone out like that, his eyes go wild, his whole body quakes and he just circles and circles and circles at warp-speed as though he is running for his life. Surgery was an option for a few minutes but because of where the break sits directly between two close joints putting screws in would definitely cause more chipping and breaks to happen. Instead, he is splinted and will need to have splint changes every four days while being on absolute bed rest until he heals. Because of his body’s healing issues and skin sensitivities she doesn’t feel he won’t suffer with complications of a hard cast so splinting is his safest option of keeping his ankle immobilized to begin healing. Well, to begin the healing that should have started eleven days ago when I first called and asked for an x-ray.

Believe me when I tell you that this is a HARD on my heart lesson I am sharing in my own personal downfall of now discovering I am the awfullest mama ever... I have been streaming tears of guilt and regret since getting my poor Day home and settled into a comfortable sleep. We are on the search for another Veterinary clinic but just helping Day heal well from his poor broken ankle is all I will be having time to concentrate on for the next while... and then the Vet interviews will begin.

So, why am I sharing this rambling rant that makes me seem like an angry complainer? Because I want others to learn from my mistake! When you know in your heart that something is wrong... do NOT defer to so-called ‘authority’ as I did. Don’t be afraid to be ‘the bitch’ in order to make happen what should happen. I should not have had to fight for a simple x-ray. And my Day should not have gone though almost two full weeks of pain and hobbling to finally be diagnosed. I am always going to keep this mistake of mine in my back pocket and I hope that anyone reading it will, too. I hope that nothing is ever again wrong with either of my boys but if it is, you can bet I will not be pushed aside in my concerns again. Sure, mistakes happen but negligence due to overbooking shouldn’t.