My mama usually calls before she visits, so when she just stopped by one afternoon my first thoughts at seeing her car in the drive were of worry and fear that she likely had unhappy news to share. But my worry turned instantly to wonder in excitement as she lifted her arms to pass me the little box she’d been holding and told me, “I have a little box of treasures for you...”
And what a little box of treasures it was!
Treasures, for real!!! I had no idea this much beautiful was tucked away and patiently waiting for me...
The little things my mom had saved for me; little things I knew from as far back as I could remember, little things that bring back memories and feelings of life when it was simple and a kiss and a cuddle healed every hurt. I didn't know my mom had kept these treasures for me, but how grateful I am that she did and also to know that my important memories were ones that she obviously shared with me enough to save them for so many years.
My heart did an actual flip-flop with joy the instant I opened my little box of treasures and found myself face to illustrated-face with my all-time story book heroine, Amelia Bedelia! Oh, how I absolutely LOVED Amelia Bedelia and the hilarity she brought to life in doing her very best to follow directions exactly! Thank you, Peggy Parish, for sharing Amelia Bedelia with the world. And thank you, Mom, for sharing Amelia Bedelia with ME... at least three million times, or more I'm sure! I think maybe my greatest treasure in life was being read to as a kiddo and though I am sure that reading me the same story over and again got old quick, I love that my mom never tried to talk me into a different book but continued to read again and again as though it were the first time we were reading the book... every time. And make fun of me if you will, but I will happily admit that as I again sat and read that little and worn book, I couldn't help but to belly-giggle my way through just like I remember doing almost forty years ago curled up on my mamas lap!
I found nothing but pure delight in every Amelia Bedelia adventure but my FOREVER
favourite was the one on the right, simply titled Amelia Bedelia...
And, who would have guessed but my FOREVER favourite part still remains this
towel change page... as I found while dissolving into giggles reading it to my boys!
It''s A Small World After All...
And then I spied the music box I don't remember ever being without... my earliest memories hold this little music box. When 'night-night time' came each evening, storybook time was always first up followed by a few Charlie Farquharson's Bible Stories on my old plastic record player (which I also still have tucked away) before my mom would quietly come back into the room I shared with my sister to turn off the record player and wind up this music box to help wind us fully down to sleep. It still works and plays... just like I remember.
Aaaaaaand she kept the marbles I loved so much!!!!! I honestly don't know what it is about marbles.... could be just the fact that I feel like I'm losing mine..... but I seriously and completely LOVE marbles. From the time I was old enough to be trusted not to choke on marbles, I had to have marbles. I'm not sure I actually knew the rules of playing marbles but I was always pretty good at making up games with them. Mostly I liked to hold them and sort them and make designs with them and look through them and appreciate them. And now, because my mama kept them, I can keep on appreciating the marbles of my heart! Pure awwwwwesomeness!!!
There were other treasured memories wrapped and waiting beneath for me in that little box of treasures but I won't bore you with them all! We all have treasures that mean to us, that with just a touch can bring back times we maybe thought lost. For me, the truest treasure of life is simply in sharing kindness and gentleness but there are some 'things' to be treasured as well, I'm finding... because those 'things' are connected sharings. I got to share those books with my mom. I got to share that old music box with my sister. I got to share those marbles with my sister, my brother and my friends. And that really is what I'm all about... sharing!
Do you have a little treasure box of your own stashed away somewhere safe? A little treasure box that you can open up and feel the memories come back to you when hold in your hands the treasures within?
December is fast approaching and along with it an unsettled feeling has settled into my usually contented self. I love Christmas, I always have. I love the lights and the ornaments, the movies and the music, the egg nog and the snacks and I used to love (most of all) the quiet, sure togetherness of my family. But the togetherness of my family just isn't there anymore and I am finding it difficult to find my own openness to the time of year that has always filled me with so much beautiful.
My absolute favourite part of Christmas is the truth of what I believe and celebrate, the birth of Baby Jesus.
My second favourite part of Christmas is the Christmas Tree! I just absolutely LOVE decorating the tree!!!
Enz doesn't love the work of decorating the tree but I am beyond
thankful that my boys so love to help me!
And after having decorated the Christmas Tree... I spend hours upon
hours just being grateful in the mesmerising warmth of glow.
As a kid I looked forward to nothing more than decorating the Christmas tree ALL year through and it was torture having to wait until the 22nd or the 23rd of December to be able to put up our tree when all my friends always had theirs up sooooooo much earlier... but my dad was a forester and he was away working in the bush during the weekdays and home on weekends and he would always bring our fresh-cut tree home with him just in time for Christmas. We always decorated the tree together as a family and it was filled with all of our special family heirloom ornaments... my mom still puts one or two of those 'specials' on her tree every year, which I appreciate knowing even though I don't get to actually visit and help anymore.
I didn't really 'get' until now that our family Christmas routine kind of met it's true end after my dad died. Sure, we tried for awhile to make the traditions continue with trees from the tree lot and the regular Christmas dinners but it was never the same... except for the stuff, the stuff remained the same.
Stuff...
My mom LOVES stuff! Our Christmases growing up were so ridiculous with the amount of toys and books and clothes and candy and knickknacks that our house felt like it was overflowing and way too much to handle, even way back then as a child! My favourite time of Christmas was always Christmas Eve because it was quiet and special; we always had lasagna and perogies for dinner (my absolute FAVOURITE dinner of the year because it's the only time we had them as a treat since my mom didn't like either) along with salads and cheesecake for dessert (which us kids didn't like at the time so it all evened out for everyone). After dinner we would head off to Christmas Eve service at our regular church before heading back home to the quiet of the tree light where everything was still and neat, tucked and wrapped. Christmas mornings were early in our house, usually starting around 3:30 am but our parents one Christmas rule was that us kids couldn't wake everyone up or head downstairs until the clock said 5:00..... and then the craziness started. I don't remember a time we weren't in a rush and still opening gifts at 10:30 on a Christmas morning to try and get to Christmas morning service on time and I doubt we ever did actually arrive on time but we always did arrive because it was important to my parents that we knew the reason for all the stuff-gifted hooplah. It didn't really make sense even back then of why my parents went so overboard with gifts or why it's still so important to my mom to just fill the soft Christmas space with stuff but unfortunately, it is. I have tried to get my family to scale back the Christmas 'stuff' for years and my brother had no problem with that since he seems to have chosen to disconnect pretty completely with our family but my mom and sister both still can't seem to stop shopping and collecting like they are trying to make up for something. But this is the year... after all my pleas to cut back on giftage..... this is the year that we finally came to an agreement! We, as a family during Sunday dinners (before we recently ended them) worked out a bunch of ideas, put them on the table and finally met in the middle on the LEAST-upsetting to half of us and the LEAST-agreeable to the other half of us and we set a spending limit. Not perfect but at least it's progress.
Progress is good but it's still not a fix for my soul. Part of me wants to just ignore the Holidays this year and part of me wants to celebrate the beautiful. So, what's the problem? Right?? Well, the problem for me, is that my family is the biggest part of the beautiful and not being able to spend time with them during my most cherished time of the year is upsetting. The worst part is that we live (except for my brother in another Province) less than 15 km's from each other but because of my death-inducing allergies to cats I can't even be in the presence of people who have cats for more than about forty-five minutes before I go into eyes-running-to-swelling-I-can't-see-for-days, throat-swelling-gasping-for-breath, chest-coughing-lungs-piercing PAIN that lasts for days thanks to the second hand dander that people with cats carry. I am the one who was forced to end my attendance at our weekly family dinners because seeing my family for those few hours meant I was sick for at least 3 days every week. Because both my aunt and sister have cats and my mom allows my sisters cat to be in her house for extended periods, I have become unable to visit at any of their houses... maybe it's just me they don't want around; I'd have preferred to have had them just tell me they didn't want me visiting over trying to kill me, though! I'm only kidding... I don't begrudge them their family addition choices, it just sucks to be banished due to health reasons. And before anyone gets on me about allergy reaction suppressants, I do take daily prescriptions to help keep me safe in the event I am out and about and come into contact with anyone in the general public who could have cat dander on them. I was also taking extra allergy medications on top of my dailies on the days I spent time with my family but the allergy is so bad that nothing medicine-wise can fully curb my dangerous reactions and I need to physically stay away.
It wasn't near as bad when it was only my aunt who had a cat, I just made sure to take extra medicine, sit across the room and at the far end of the table but now that there is my aunt, sister and her husband, my mom and her Newf-Husky cross dog who ALL now carry the dander, I can't even sit at the same table with my family and on the now VERY rare occasions we all have to share a dinner, we eat in the living room so I can try to keep distance on an opposite couch in the corner... it sucks. I can't physically share Christmas breakfast or Christmas games and snacks or Christmas dinner with my family anymore. So, for the past two years I have spent (and paid viciously for) only a few short hours sharing gift-opening time with my family. Great for the ones who feel that's the important time but not for me who feels that the quiet together time is really what's most important.
And so I'm torn. But why am I torn? Why am I worrying over whether I should decorate or not when December is still a ways away? Why am I even considering not putting the work into decorating as I so LOVE to do just because I feel guilty that my family has fallen apart into one big, gross dysfunctional outs? Why am I even considering hinging my joy of celebrating on others who don't give the slightest fuck about it???
I write my blogs on-the-fly, I never plan what I'm going to write about, and with the previous paragraph that just made its way in, I realized something... I can't let disappointment overtake my celebration. I have to decorate because the Christmas setting I love so much is necessary for my soul. So necessary for my soul, in fact, that I keep both my Charlie Brown Tree up in my bedroom and a lighted tree up in workshop all year 'round and I would keep a fully decorated tree up in the house year 'round too... if Enz didn't have such a problem with that plan. I've had people tell me I should decorate my shop tree seasonally but no, I don't want to do that, I keep the lights on so that the Christmas Spirit lights my every day but I keep the ornaments on only for he month of December to mark the specialness even in my own ordinary. And I think I just finally realized that it doesn't matter who I can or can't share it all with, it only matters that I share my joy openly with all that I am despite my circumstances. Because that's living... even if we've lost.
Ahhhhh... Charlie Brown.....
my in-house year 'round Christmas comfort...
...and my year 'round workshop Christmas comfort!
Ahhhhh... Working in May!
Cowgirl boots and Christmas Tree make for
one very happy ME!
Since I just now suddenly and finally decided that yes, I will wholeheartedly decorate and that yes, I will wholeheartedly celebrate The Season and The Reason that I celebrate... I now just have to decide how my heart wholly needs to go about it!
Our first Christmas Tree after getting married almost 22 years ago... a 12' Blue Spruce that
began a tradition of huge trees and "crap-how-are-we-going-to-stand-this-thing-up!??" years.
Until the year we decided that an artificial tree might be okaaayyyyy...
Followed by the year I couldn't stand the thought of losing seating area by removing couch sections to make
tree room and we instead bought the upside-down tree... space-saving functionality but still big and bright
and warm and inviting and! Even Enz admitted he loved the way the ornaments hang from this tree
as they catch the light glow and sparkle, carrying it outward.
It's kind of a tough choice treewise because I want it to be right, to feel right... even with so much feeling so wrong right now. I love the upside-down tree because I completely love cozying up on the couch beneath the overhanging branches to watch my favourite Hallmark Christmas movies. But I love the regular-artificial tree too because it shares more of the room with us as one of us. But then there are the moments when I long for the past of a real tree, just like my dad used to search out, cut down and proudly bring home to us... no matter how Charlie Brownish it was. That may be why I also keep my little Charlie Brown Tree up all year, too... Hmmm, maybe there's more to all of this than I even realized, at all!
But, since this year, seating really isn't an issue because it'll be just Enz, the boys and I through the Holidays, we really could go back to a regular right-side-up tree to change things up again. I wish I didn't suck so bad at decision-making! but I still have nine more days until final decision time for this years celebration style...
How do you celebrate your own beliefs for the Holidays? There are so many different beliefs, each as important as every other to celebrate and I want to celebrate your reasons right along with you. I highly doubt I'm the only one going through a little Holiday loneliness and maybe if we pool our loneliness by sharing our individual celebrations, well, maybe we'll find a common space where we really belong in our togetherness!
There's a reason for the saying 'easy as apple pie'... it is easy.
Apple pie is easy comfort, for me anyhow. I don't have much of a sweet-tooth and I don't much care for desserts in general unless it's peach cobbler or apple pie and since Thanksgiving was not long ago (here in Canada) an apple pie was, as always, on the menu. Thanksgiving is usually my top favourite dinner of the year but this year it was really tough for me emotionally with both sides of our family falling further apart and in wanting just to fully pass it over I only succeeded in fully passing my own joy of Thanksgiving over... which is why I am thinking I might join in on the upcoming American Thanksgiving for a quiet and personal do-over even if it's only for an excuse to let an apple pie once more fix all.
Now, apple pie is very simple to make but at one time I had never before made a pie and I didn't know how to even begin. My mom did a LOT of cooking and baking with us as kids and after only ONE time of having my niece and nephew over to bake cupcakes I gained more respect for my mom having the patience and willingness to teach us in the kitchen by doing than I could have imagined; one time of cleaning up after cooking with kids was more than enough for me! Anyhow, for all the baking my mom did with us as kids, she never did teach me to make a pie... maybe because she just didn't often make pies, only at Thanksgiving and sometimes Christmas and once when I asked for a pie instead of a cake for my birthday one year. I absolutely LOVED coming home from school on the rare occasions my mom had made a pie because she had always saved me a delicious hunk of raw pie dough, wrapped tightly in plastic wrap and waiting in the refrigerator. I love pie dough and cookie dough so after school snacks on pie day were Heavenly!
So after I had married and moved away from home and decided I wanted to make an apple pie, I didn't have a clue! I was pretty sure I could figure out the filling part easily enough but I called my mom and asked her if she would teach me how to make pie crust and of course she was more than willing to help me. I learn best by actually doing and so as my mom explained, I did... and I learned. I figure I'm not the only person in the world who at one time didn't know how to make a pie, even easy as it is, so I thought I would share my apple pie recipe and how I bring it all together.
Sometimes to add just an extra slice of sweetness to a beautiful holiday, sometimes simply to soothe a hurting soul and sometimes just to fix all when I'm not even quite sure what the burden truly is... apple pie always takes me home.
Apple Pie Plain'n'Simple
Pie Crust Ingredients: (makes enough for 2 pies)
5 1/2 cups Flour (all purpose) 1 tsp Salt 2 tsp Brown Sugar 1 tsp Baking Powder 1 lb Tenderflake Lard 2 tsp Vinegar 1 lg Egg Water (COLD) - approximately 1 cup
Step one:
In a one-cup-measure, combine the vinegar and egg with a fork then add enough COLD water to fill to ONE CUP. Give it a quick mix to combine with the fork and set it aside in the refrigerator to keep cold until needed.
It looks like it's filled past the 1 cup mark but trust me, it wasn't...
it's just the angle I messed the picture up at.
Step two:
In a large mixing bowl combine flour, salt, brown sugar and baking powder.
I just give the dry ingredients a quick mix with the pastry cutter because
I'm too lazy to wash an extra spoon...
Step three:
Cut in the lard with a pastry cutter, or you an use two knives or a fork if you don't have a pastry cutter, it'll still be just fine!
I always cut the lard into 1" cubes before adding to the dry mix.
Cutting the lard in until nice and pebbly!
Once the mixture is pebbly, I like to give it a quick work-through with my hands
just to make sure there are no big lumps and that all is well becoming one!
Step four:
Mix the cold liquid into the lard mixture and work QUICKLY while trying NOT to touch the dough with your hands too much! I just use the fork I used in the liquid to quickly mix the dough together and as soon as all is moistened enough to stick together it's basically done... this is the point where I use my hands to pull it all together into a ball; I don't 'knead' it together but just pull and quickly press it together. Here is a quick video to show what I mean...
Step five:
Wrap and chill the dough at least 6 hours... I generally just prepare the dough the day before I plan to make the actual pie so it gets a proper overnight chilling.
I always divide the dough into four and chill separately because it's just easier to
deal with the sections one at a time. If I am only making one pie, I chill all the dough
overnight before freezing then vacuum-sealing two sections to keep frozen until
the next time I need pie dough at the ready.
And now... on to making the actual pie!
Before I prepare the pie filling, I like to roll out the crust so once the filling is mixed I have everything ready to go for quick pie-put-together-ness.
**Rolling out the pie dough is super easy and messless with the help of parchment paper but if you don't have parchment on-hand, a criss-cross of plastic wrap works, too... you just have to lift and relay the plastic wrap after each roll'n'turn.**
One dough round between two parchments... the parchment is slippery to work
with so I always just pull a corner section over the counter edge, lean against the
corner with my hip and roll away from me while turning the whole shebang as needed.
Keep turning and rolling until you are certain it will be a large enough round
to cover the waiting pie plate... with a little extra around the edges.
Do the same for the second crust then pop both rolled rounds into
the refrigerator to keep chilled.
*Once rolled, place both rounds back in the refrigerator to keep chilled until needed.*
Filling Ingredients:
9 Spartan Apples (large ones) 1 1/2 Tbsp Flour (+ a little extra for sprinkling pie plate bottom) 1/4(+) cup Sugar (approximately - depending on apple sweetness + extra for pie top) 1 pinch Salt 1/2 tsp Cinnamon 1 dash Nutmeg 1/2 tsp Lemon Juice 3 pats Butter
Step one:
In a large mixing bowl ( I just use the same bowl I used for the crust), combine the flour, sugar, salt, cinnamon and nutmeg.
Sweetness is waitinnnggggg.......
Step two:
Peel the apples, rinsing each well with water after peeling to avoid discolouration before coring and slicing into the sweetness bowl.
Apples and peeler are ready to go! You can, of course, just peel the apples with a plain ol' paring knife but my Granny gave me this peeler 20 years ago and I love that I think of her with a smile every time I use it... memories are beautiful!
So I peeled and rinsed 11 apples... but they were SOOOOO good that the boys
and I shared two of them for a snack before they even had a chance to
make a name for themselves in the pie... that why the recipe says 9 apples
but this picture shows 11! :/
I like to quarter, core, and slice the apples just roughly like so...
Make sure to get every little speck of core crunch OUT because even the slightest
hint of core material will ruin an entire pie!
My boys LOVE apples so how could we resist stealing from the pie??
There was still totally enough apples for the pie!
Step three:
Sprinkle the lemon juice over the apples and mix all the filling ingredients together well.
Let the mixture set for a few minutes while readying the bottom crust into the pie plate... once set for a minute or two give the apples another mix and taste for sweetness perfection; if it needs more sugar just sprinkle a little more over in 1 Tbsp increments until you are happy with the taste. I ended up adding an extra 2 Tbsp of sugar and I also sprinkled about another 1/2 tsp of cinnamon over the above recipe measurements before this pie filling became perfection! It really depends on the type and sweetness of the apples you are using so don't be afraid to use your own taste judgement!
Just trust your own taste judgement on this one... you'll know when it's gonna be good!
Step four:
Lightly sprinkle bottom of pie plate with flour. Gently line the pie plate with one of your rolled out crust rounds, pressing it carefully into the bottom edges and lightly against the plate sides... work quickly but gently to avoid tears.
Sprinkle a little more flour over the crust (bottom only, NOT up the side edges).
Then gently turn the apples into the the crusted pie plate.
I forgot to take a picture but once the pie plate is lined with the bottom crust, I like
to trim the dough with kitchen shears... about 1/2" out from the plate edge.
Step five:
Top with butter pats... they don't have to be exact 'pats' I just slice off slices.
Trimmed, filled and all buttered up!
Step six:
Time to put on the top layer! Before I add the top crust, I cut three small 'V's' in the centre of the crust, but you can do whatever, just cut a hole or a few slices... it just needs a little vent to let the air escape while baking. Then just lay the crust over the prepped and filled base.
I use a paring knife to cut the slits and then lay the top crust carefully over all.
Step seven:
Time to close! I find I get the best crust seal by pressing the bottom edge gently into the underside of the top crust before folding the top edge over the 'pressed connection' then tucking down and under the top edge of the pie plate... Sorry, I made that sound far more confusing than it is!
*I've never had a 'bubble-over' with prepping the edges this way but if you happen to have one, just throw a piece of foil on the rack below the pie to catch the drippings... shiny side toward the pie bottom.*
Lift and press...
.....fold and tuck!
Step eight:
Now just flute'n'sugar that pie, Honey Bunch!!
It doesn't have to be perfect, the crust just has to be fully and firmly closed.
My pies are never pretty, but they always taste good.
Edges pressed and waiting for the sugar dust!
Sprinkle with sugar to cover then lift the air vents slightly to make sure they're working!
Step nine:
Time to Bake!!!
Pop the pie into pre-heated 425° oven. (I usually start the oven just before I start putting on the top crust layer)
Bake at 425° for 15 minutes.
**After the 15 minutes, turn oven down to 375° and continue baking until done... this pie was done after baking for 35 minutes at 375° but depending on individual ovens it could either be a little longer or a little shorter cooking time.
I find it best to use clear glass pie plates so it's easy to see that the full bottom crust is lightly golden-browned just as the top is. If you find that the top and edges are browning a little too much while the bottom still needs to goldify a little, just lay a piece of tinfoil lightly over the top... dull side facing the pie to avoid burnt edges while the base fully cooks.
Step ten:
Remove from oven and cool on cooling racks. I generally let the pie set for at least four hours before cutting into it so everything has a chance to mellow together for a good binding set. If you know you won't be able to wait, you can always just make one or two little mason jar single-serving pies alongside the main pie as you go... they cook a little faster and cool a LOT faster; I'll admit I do this often and I use the small, wide mouth jars which work perfectly!
See, not so pretty, the edges fell but big deal...
the deliciousness will still be there, I promise!
As long as you can see a good, light golden colouring on top, bottom
and edges... it's goldenly done!
Also, you'll be able to see the thickened juices bubbling up from the v-vents
to know it's ready on the inside.
Time to slice and enjoy!!!!!
Because I roll the crust between parchment rather than on a floured surface,
I have never had a first slice come out anything but perfect like this. Sometimes
a crust will fall apart if it has too much flour from the rolling step but if you prefer
to roll with flour, just go lightly and it should hold together just fine!
Light, flaky, golden crust with a perfectly cinnamony-sweetened filling... apples not too soft yet not too firm.
Just the comfort I needed to help settle my soul.
I hope that if you decide to try to make a pie, it turns out as delicious as this one did! I know it seems like a lot of fuss with the way I post so many steps and pictures but I really just try to show all the steps as exactly as I can just in case someone reading this is like me and needs to learn by being shown. Now, I'd like to know what your fix-all comfort dessert is... Please, share with us in the comments section!!
Yesterday was a pretty fantastic day at camp; the weather was beautiful (still no snow and a shocking +8 warm-but-still-a-little-chilly temperature at the lake), the boys and I walked the shoreline without getting tangled even once and we even walked down to the shore just in time to enjoy a little of the sunset.
I was SO happy in our moments at the shoreline, just me and my boys having made it all the way down the hill from the cabin on our own... with NO leash tangles!!! But it brought back to mind some of the toughness of the past while as well. It made me truly realize the pain that has brought back this goodness. It made me appreciate all the struggling that has brought me back to a space of joy and I am grateful for every lesson, every heartache, every fear that pushed me toward the dreams that again are becoming reality.
Just over six months ago I wrote a post about having come to suddenly realize how much weight I had gained since losing the ability to keep up with my regular sporty activities despite being careful of my diet. We don't keep unhealthy snacks in the house, I cook our meals from scratch with fresh ingredients, I drink only water and one cup of coffee for my daily treat (with cream and one measured teaspoon of sugar), and I don't eat sweets though my one bad food habit is Old Dutch Bar-B-Q Chips... IN THE BOX!! Seriously, the boxed ones are wayyy better (a little sweeter) than the bagged ones although the bagged ones are stronger and better for easing a sore throat and stuffiness when trying to survive a cold or pneumonia; just a little chip-tip from me to you!
Even though this box of bags of deliciousness are my
favourite weakness, I do not have them often but thoroughly
LOVE them when I do allow myself the special treat!
Sorry... I veered a little off topic there for a moment, chips sometimes do that to me. So, anyhow, not being able to move around and exercise even though I was careful about what I was eating caused my body to balloon more than I felt was acceptable for my own self but I didn't see it as it was happening. Once I finally did see it, in a picture taken while I was volunteering at an event, I couldn't ignore the truth of my suddenly admitted gross hugeness.
Change happened immediately.
First, I sat down and wrote (I'm better with writing my words than trying to actually speak them) about my realizations and then I shared my post with my family and friends in asking them for help in the form of both tell-me-if-I'm-getting-fatter honesty and tips for weight-loss. Then I started to put the tips mixed with what I could physically do at the time to work. One of my friends suggested salads with every meal and that one has helped me immensely! At the time, I wasn't able to stand long enough to prep a good, healthy and filling salad and sitting on kitchen chairs for more than a few minutes at the counter to chop vegetables was really painful and hard on my still healing legs but with the wealth of pre-chopped salad mixes available these days, it was easy to incorporate this simple tip; I don't consider this 'cheating at meal prep' because sometimes we need to work with our abilities. For the first month, or so, we basically made salads our whole dinner base because Enz was also on-board with the weight-loss plan having gained a little himself over the winter... I basically just replaced our usual starch portions with salad portions for every dinner and it started working pretty quickly for both of us.
When I first started with trying to lose the extra pounds I'd packed on, it wasn't easy. Once I had started my intense physical therapy to learn to walk properly again, it still wasn't easy but it did eventually help me as much in the weight-loss department as it did in the activity department. Some people can lose with just diet but for me, I need to exercise as well. So, learning how to make my body work again was a lifesaver in more ways than just gaining my independence again. My exercises were hard and they're still hard... but they're not as hard as they important to me so I push through them and between being conscious of diet and exercise, change is slowly happening.
Just as I had to not only realize but ADMIT OUT LOUD that my body needed a major overhaul, I also had to admit that stretchies are NOT my friend! the only problem with banning stretchies was the fact that nothing else was fitting my body, not even my 'fat jeans' could I get zipped up and I certainly wasn't about to go out and get unstretchy clothes that fit... a little because I didn't want to have clothes that fit while trying to get back to my own regular size but mostly because I didn't want to know what my new size had become in numbers! Instead, I kept wearing my yoga pants that mercifully still stretched enough to encase my fatness but I started wearing a size too small tights underneath them so I would feel the reminder that no, I didn't need eight almonds and that six almonds for a snack was enough! And it worked. Before long, my yoga pants weren't feeling like they were stretching past even their own stretchy limits and then, once my new consciousness turned into set habit it all just became so much easier to deal with.
I did hide away in my house for awhile and only left for my therapy appointments or to walk at our camp where it's private because I was so embarrassed of being seen in public but I honestly don't think it was just my weight issue. I think it was everything being such a struggle at that time and the weight humiliation was just my excuse. I'm not proud of it, but I do own up to it.
The weight has been slow to come off because I'm still pretty slow-moving but it is coming off and I am moving so much more confidently that working at it is finally becoming enjoyable again. I love being active and I love getting out and doing over sitting and watching so just being again able is a big motivator for me.
Taken about three months after my fatness revelation and down only about five pounds.
I still couldn't do up the bottom buttons on my security-blanket jean jacket but
it was a start and thanks to the walker I was again mobile!
Taken yesterday, six-months later and twenty-one pounds down... wearing my
'fat-jeans' that are now comfortable enough to move and sit in but still snug
enough to make sure I know I still have a ways to go!
So, now that I am fitting into all of my jeans (still snug as they are) I have banished myself from the comforts of stretch!! I figure I have another thirty to forty pounds to lose but I have learned not to get discouraged if it takes me a little longer to do it than it used to take when being active was easier and faster. I am satisfied with my new slow pace because I have learned to appreciate slowness after having known and lived an even worse pace of bed-riddenness. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, a mere twenty-one pounds lost in six long months but it's better than having stayed the same or worse, having gained. With my brain finally having made peace with the fact that life is slower for me right now I have found thankful for the little because sometimes the little is what makes the whole.
I still dream. When I close my eyes at night before falling to sleep and I imagine where I might be in my years ahead I see myself walking without my walking sticks, running and playing with my boys in the yard. I see myself being able to again carry my sweet Day when his tootsies need a rest, and quick-stepping on walks with my sweet Play as he sets our skip-a-long pace he loves so much. I see myself strong on my own and in a space of healthy and confidence. And one day, I truly believe I will be healthy and capable again. But to get there, I'm first going to have to get through this slower part of my life. I'm going to have to stay very aware of how I treat my body and learn to respect its needs of strengthening and especially of understanding it's capabilities of right now. And right now, I'm just really happy that my body is responding to a change for my own personal better.
Here is a link back to the weight-realization post in case you missed it and wanted to read it... the pain was real but it did make for good change!
Do you have any tips that might help me in my continuing weight-loss endeavour? Any healthy inspirations or easy snacks and recipes you'd like to share with us all that have worked for you??
Just over two years ago (after almost four years of focused and seemingly unending forever seaaarching) we found our perfect lakefront camp property right on the shore of beautiful Lake Superior... YAY! Now, getting Enz to even agree to start seriously looking for land had been a challenge in itself but since he refuses to take any time off work to go on vacations (he did reluctantly take a half-day off for our wedding almost twenty two years ago) I decided we needed a weekend getaway space where we could just go with our boys and have family and friends join us to veg, play games, go kayaking, take strolls, do jigsaws, have campfires, go fishin'... y'know..... camp stuff. Although he resisted at first, I always manage to make things happen the way I know they should and eventually, it all worked out.
I remember the evening we found our perfect lake lot and to be completely honest... it wasn't so pretty on my part. I was mad. And when I get mad, and I mean actually mad, it takes me a long while to work through it. I had been poring over listings and begging to go see this camp or that camp, any and every camp that happened to come available for sale within two hours driving distance of home and every... single... camp we went to look at, Enz had refused to even consider, "it's too old... it's too far... the shore has reeds... it needs a complete rebuild... the driveway is too steep... there's too much lawn... there's not enough lawn... there's no electricity... I don't want to use a compost toilet....." and the list went on; I had had enough. So, when Enz came home from work a day after viewing and shooting down two more camps (one which I had absolutely fallen in love with) and asked me if I wanted to take a drive to look at a lake lot out toward the US Border after dinner, it went a little something like this:
"Fuck off" I told him.
"I'm serious, there's a lot that we need to look at."
"Sure."
"Gillian, I'm being serious! They guy said it's only forty minutes from town."
"What guy?"
"The real estate agent."
"You talked to a real estate agent."
"Yes."
"When?"
"Today. After I saw a listing."
"Where was the listing?"
"In the paper."
"You don't read the paper."
"Not the paper paper... the Real Estate News, I read it at my dads this morning."
"Why were you at your dads this morning?"
"To take the mail in; I told you, he's away for a week."
"Yes, I know that... but you usually just stop over after work."
"I went this morning instead."
"To read the Real Estate News."
"To go to the bathroom... the Real Estate News just happened to be in the mailbox when I got there so I flipped through it."
"You have a bathroom at work, Enzo."
"I didn't want to go to the bathroom at work, Gillian!"
"Why? You go to the bathroom at work every other day anyway?!"
"For fucksakes... Gillian!!! I had a stomach ache, okay??!"
"HAAAHAHAHA*giggle*snort*bellylaugh*breathcatch*laughingtears*... And you *snort* couldn't just have *bent-over hysterics* just started with that?? Hahahahaaa!"
"Who the fuck would want to start with thaaat???!!"
"Okay, so, let's just start this from the beginning so I get the whole TRUE picture... You were at work, diarrhea threatened, you bolted for your dads house in search of privacy..."
"Privacy like I'm not getting right now... yes."
"And you found then took the paper in with you, that's gross by the way, what if I wanted to read that listing?!"
"I didn't take it IN with me, I read between rounds."
*hysterical laughter for Gilly, a disgruntled, exasperated sigh for Enzo *
"So *snort*giggle*wipes tears* okay... okay *hahahaha* you found our perfect lot between bum singing rounds....."
"It was another lot actually... and seriously what's wrong with you!??Nothing of this story is even remotely funny!!!"
"Okay *haaaaaahahaaa.......* another lot... *snort*chortle* go on."
"So I called the guy about the listed lot and he told me about this other better lot and gave me directions. I think we should look at it."
"Fine, I'll go, but I'm gonna be REALLY pissed if you're just wasting my time and humouring me again!"
"I'm not. I'm serious. Let's go."
"Can you make coffee to take on the ride?"
"We're losing light and I want to be able to see the full lot, can we just make coffee when we get home instead?"
"But you know part of looking means snacks or coffee on the ride to camp so we can judge what snacks we'll need for ride time... because I love snacks and snacks are an important part of camp. But since we just had dinner and I'm too full for snacks we need to at least test the coffee timing b'cause you know that if I don't have time to drink a full coffee before reaching camp... it's not far enough away to be considered a getaway!"
*Enz stares at me, holds back his frustrated argument then turns toward the pantry to pull out the coffee beans, grinder and filter*
"Coffee's ready, let's go."
"Okay. But first we need to high-five on your diarrhea..." *offers hand for high-five*
"I'm not high-fiving on that."
"You have to!"
"No."
"Enz, you have to! Your diarrhea might be why we found a lot, we have to celebrate it so it might bring us even more luck in turning out to be our perfect lot! ... C'mon, high-five..... pleeeaaaaase???"
*Enz finally gives in and accepts proffered high-five*
"And can we do it again with a big WooHoo!??"
"Gillian! I am NOT woohooing diarrhea!! Just get in the fuckin'CAAARRRRR!!!"
So, I got our sweet Day (we hadn't yet found our Play) cozily into his jacket before settling him into the car (he LOVES car rides) and that was the night we found our perfect lot. We made an offer the following day which was quickly accepted and two weeks later the land was legally deeded to us.
Our first view of the lot and it was early enough in Spring that the leaves
hadn't yet filled in so it was easy to find a path through to the lake shore.
I was still in giggle-fits off and on at poor Enz... he tried to ignore me.....
Once we had reached this spot that opened to the lake, we knew it really was the lot we had been searching for!
Once the lot was actually ours, our grand plan was to just make ourselves a little path to shore clearing the first year so we could go out and have picnics by the lake and just enjoy the beauty in nature.
Buuuuut... once we had spent a couple of hours there the first week, we just couldn't justify not using for more than just picnics and we decided to instead clear the land that first year and maybe just buy a small trailer or tent-it for the following couple of years so we could better enjoy the property while we planned our future build. It just made sense; buy the property then save up a little again to comfortably deal with building costs because we aren't willing to take out a mortgage or go into debt to build our vacation home, the place we are supposed to be able to relax and not have to deal with overhead worries.
So, we cleared...
Now, just to explain the lot a little 'cause it's a little confusing... The lot has a single lane private drive that was mistakenly built, years ago, through about the first third form lakeside of all of the properties so we own both sides (where the 'sold' signs are on either side of my car) as well as the section of road and the few people we share the private drive with all have a legal agreement that no one will ever block the drive for the other few property owners on the road. I was a little unsure at first glance but then I realized how much easier it made for building because had the road been put at the rear property line it would have been a nightmare to have to blast through that much forest and cliffage to make a driveway to lakeside... nevermind trying to get building supplies in.
Enz had first decided that we were going to start clearing the land ourselves... Ridiculous! I wasn't about to spend all summer cutting down trees; my days of buckin'up'wood ended when we sold our first country house that had been heated by outdoor wood stove!
"Do you have any idea how long it's going to take us to clear enough space to build in??!"
"It's not gonna be that bad, a few weekends maybe."
"You're being ridiculous. I'm not doing wood. Day won't be safe there and it will take forever... not just a few weekends, it'll take a year at least! If we get a machine in here, it'll be one day, maybe two..."
Enz ignored my argument and he did go out for a day to start cutting trees and the following day he had called in the professionals for an estimate and made the appointment to clear...
The top layer came off pretty easily but we quickly discovered just what
we were in for and Enz was suddenly glad he had subbed out the land clearing!
Nonno protecting our Day and covering his ears from the noise as
the machine crossed to to some more digging down below.
More digging and piling for easy loading as the dump trucks came
intermittently to haul the debris away.
Once the top layer was off and the machine operator started trying to break back through the rock, well... the digging got tough! We had envisioned being able to clear to road level but it proved only possible to dig halfway without using dynamite. The man doing the awesomely incredible clearing work stopped, came to stand with us and said, "That's as far down as she goes... we've hit the Canadian Shield and there's no budging her further."
It actually looked pretty cool, even through the mess! And I do love still having
lots of bushland nestled behind us... with lots of wild blueberries way in the back.
A closer look of what clearing this land was really all about... not easy!
As I had predicted, hiring out the land clearing had us cleared building sites in a single day. The second day was spent bringing in load after load of gravel to build up our solid base to fully buildable! Having solid Canadian Shield for foundation is as good as it is difficult to level... and it all worked out in my mind's eye design so thankfully we didn't have to blast and instead just brought in LOTS of gravel to help us work with the land instead of trying to fight against it.
Still taking piles up to the dump trucks while levelling
off with the sand and gravel... quite a different view already!
We left a few trees but did clear most of the lake side open for the view.
And right where our vehicles are parked is right where our eventual cabin
was set to be built... eventually.
First on my list of demands was a biffy... but not just any biffy because I just don't do biffies. So, on top of our beautiful
Canadian Shield top rubble, we started our biffy foundation, even though we'd said we were ONLY clearing the land
that year..... but I'll save the biffy for the next post!
Once we had cleared, Day and I took every chance we could to just walk down to the shore so we could watch and listen to the water... how grateful I am to now have this as our everyday view!
To be continued...
Do you have a special getaway place you love to disappear into? A place that feeds and refreshes your soul? Do you go on actual vacations instead? I want to know how YOU spend your down-time! Please share with us all in the comments section!
