I was SO happy in our moments at the shoreline, just me and my boys having made it all the way down the hill from the cabin on our own... with NO leash tangles!!! But it brought back to mind some of the toughness of the past while as well. It made me truly realize the pain that has brought back this goodness. It made me appreciate all the struggling that has brought me back to a space of joy and I am grateful for every lesson, every heartache, every fear that pushed me toward the dreams that again are becoming reality.
Just over six months ago I wrote a post about having come to suddenly realize how much weight I had gained since losing the ability to keep up with my regular sporty activities despite being careful of my diet. We don't keep unhealthy snacks in the house, I cook our meals from scratch with fresh ingredients, I drink only water and one cup of coffee for my daily treat (with cream and one measured teaspoon of sugar), and I don't eat sweets though my one bad food habit is Old Dutch Bar-B-Q Chips... IN THE BOX!! Seriously, the boxed ones are wayyy better (a little sweeter) than the bagged ones although the bagged ones are stronger and better for easing a sore throat and stuffiness when trying to survive a cold or pneumonia; just a little chip-tip from me to you!
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| Even though this box of bags of deliciousness are my favourite weakness, I do not have them often but thoroughly LOVE them when I do allow myself the special treat! |
Change happened immediately.
First, I sat down and wrote (I'm better with writing my words than trying to actually speak them) about my realizations and then I shared my post with my family and friends in asking them for help in the form of both tell-me-if-I'm-getting-fatter honesty and tips for weight-loss. Then I started to put the tips mixed with what I could physically do at the time to work. One of my friends suggested salads with every meal and that one has helped me immensely! At the time, I wasn't able to stand long enough to prep a good, healthy and filling salad and sitting on kitchen chairs for more than a few minutes at the counter to chop vegetables was really painful and hard on my still healing legs but with the wealth of pre-chopped salad mixes available these days, it was easy to incorporate this simple tip; I don't consider this 'cheating at meal prep' because sometimes we need to work with our abilities. For the first month, or so, we basically made salads our whole dinner base because Enz was also on-board with the weight-loss plan having gained a little himself over the winter... I basically just replaced our usual starch portions with salad portions for every dinner and it started working pretty quickly for both of us.
When I first started with trying to lose the extra pounds I'd packed on, it wasn't easy. Once I had started my intense physical therapy to learn to walk properly again, it still wasn't easy but it did eventually help me as much in the weight-loss department as it did in the activity department. Some people can lose with just diet but for me, I need to exercise as well. So, learning how to make my body work again was a lifesaver in more ways than just gaining my independence again. My exercises were hard and they're still hard... but they're not as hard as they important to me so I push through them and between being conscious of diet and exercise, change is slowly happening.
Just as I had to not only realize but ADMIT OUT LOUD that my body needed a major overhaul, I also had to admit that stretchies are NOT my friend! the only problem with banning stretchies was the fact that nothing else was fitting my body, not even my 'fat jeans' could I get zipped up and I certainly wasn't about to go out and get unstretchy clothes that fit... a little because I didn't want to have clothes that fit while trying to get back to my own regular size but mostly because I didn't want to know what my new size had become in numbers! Instead, I kept wearing my yoga pants that mercifully still stretched enough to encase my fatness but I started wearing a size too small tights underneath them so I would feel the reminder that no, I didn't need eight almonds and that six almonds for a snack was enough! And it worked. Before long, my yoga pants weren't feeling like they were stretching past even their own stretchy limits and then, once my new consciousness turned into set habit it all just became so much easier to deal with.
I did hide away in my house for awhile and only left for my therapy appointments or to walk at our camp where it's private because I was so embarrassed of being seen in public but I honestly don't think it was just my weight issue. I think it was everything being such a struggle at that time and the weight humiliation was just my excuse. I'm not proud of it, but I do own up to it.
The weight has been slow to come off because I'm still pretty slow-moving but it is coming off and I am moving so much more confidently that working at it is finally becoming enjoyable again. I love being active and I love getting out and doing over sitting and watching so just being again able is a big motivator for me.
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| Taken about three months after my fatness revelation and down only about five pounds. I still couldn't do up the bottom buttons on my security-blanket jean jacket but it was a start and thanks to the walker I was again mobile! |
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| Taken yesterday, six-months later and twenty-one pounds down... wearing my 'fat-jeans' that are now comfortable enough to move and sit in but still snug enough to make sure I know I still have a ways to go! |
So, now that I am fitting into all of my jeans (still snug as they are) I have banished myself from the comforts of stretch!! I figure I have another thirty to forty pounds to lose but I have learned not to get discouraged if it takes me a little longer to do it than it used to take when being active was easier and faster. I am satisfied with my new slow pace because I have learned to appreciate slowness after having known and lived an even worse pace of bed-riddenness. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, a mere twenty-one pounds lost in six long months but it's better than having stayed the same or worse, having gained. With my brain finally having made peace with the fact that life is slower for me right now I have found thankful for the little because sometimes the little is what makes the whole.
I still dream. When I close my eyes at night before falling to sleep and I imagine where I might be in my years ahead I see myself walking without my walking sticks, running and playing with my boys in the yard. I see myself being able to again carry my sweet Day when his tootsies need a rest, and quick-stepping on walks with my sweet Play as he sets our skip-a-long pace he loves so much. I see myself strong on my own and in a space of healthy and confidence. And one day, I truly believe I will be healthy and capable again. But to get there, I'm first going to have to get through this slower part of my life. I'm going to have to stay very aware of how I treat my body and learn to respect its needs of strengthening and especially of understanding it's capabilities of right now. And right now, I'm just really happy that my body is responding to a change for my own personal better.
Here is a link back to the weight-realization post in case you missed it and wanted to read it... the pain was real but it did make for good change!
http://greenappleclogblog.blogspot.ca/2016/04/body-image-conundrum.html
Do you have any tips that might help me in my continuing weight-loss endeavour? Any healthy inspirations or easy snacks and recipes you'd like to share with us all that have worked for you??
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