Today was a little bit easy, a little bit hard... a little bit uplifting, a little bit discouraging... a little bit fulfilling and a little bit frustrating.
Today was also my last official day in the Neuro Day Program. I was supposed to have one more appointment on Wednesday but on the way to therapy today Enz told me that this morning he scheduled a work meeting during the same time as my appointment was set for. Because it's really hard to reschedule appointments in the program, Julie and I decided it would be okay to make today my last one instead.
I will admit it, I was really nervous a few weeks ago when Julie started carefully preparing me for my upcoming 'graduation' but I am feeling much better about flying solo for awhile now... and especially after today having seen the difference in my evaluation results as compared with my first day evaluation four months ago. It's hard to even remember how weak and wobbly I was but today I saw just how far I really have come. Pretty amazing, actually!
These are the balance and strength tests I can remember doing today:
1) Sitting to standing without using arms to push off. (aced it)
2) Transfer from sitting on therapy bed to sitting in chair, then back to table. (aced it)
3) Stand still without support for two full minutes. (aced it)
4) Pick up a pen from the floor. (slow but managed)
5) Balance on one foot for ten seconds. (very wobbly but somehow held it on my left leg)
6) Stand and do a three-sixty turn without support. (VERY slow but didn't fall even when my foot caught.
7) Stand with one foot directly in front of other foot for thirty seconds. (super shaky but did it)
8) Standing toe touches onto a step without support - four times each leg. ( I was proud of my last two touches)
9) Standing tall, arms held straight out, lean forward without falling. (aced it)
10) Seated leg lift strength. (WAY improved)
11) Laying leg lift strength - front, side, back. (AMAZINGLY improved)
12) Plantar/Dorsal flexation strength (Dude SERiously... OFF-the-CHARTS improved)
13) Sitting up from laying down without using arms to push. (even my tummy muscles improved)
And finally:
14) Endurance walk down the hallway... this was the hard, discouraging, frustrating part I mentioned earlier - how many times was I able to make it up and down the thirty-six meter hallway in just six minutes?
It totally sucked and I felt incredibly defeated that I was only able to walk half as far in the same amount of time that it took me on my first assessment and without the walking sticks even at that time. I felt awful and completely deflated and I said I knew I had FAILED and I TOTALLY SUCK!!! And then Julie sat me down and she showed me just how far I have worked to get. My first results had added up to 21/56 in the balance/strength areas and today after testing the same tasks, I have raised my mark to a pretty incredible 48/56. My strength marks totally curved the score but I've worked really hard at my strength exercises to get there. The incoordination of my still not cooperative right leg as well as the ataxia through my torso is what holds me back in the quickness department. Julie told me, "Sure, you lost some quickness but you have gained in quality of the movements of learning how to control your legs and feet to walk again! Your steps may be slower but you are stronger and safer and the quickness will follow with lots more practice. Your walking sticks will give you the support you need to slowly build your speed and endurance back up... speed is allllllllways the last to come but it will come. You will need to use your walking sticks ALL the time, even inside the house so that they will become a part of you and you will see, as you become more relaxed and trusting of their support, you will gain in your confidence which will also gain you in endurance and even just in general mobility..."
Right now, all I can do is bank on her words and work my butt off to bring them to truth!
Am I nervous about being graduated from the day program? Yes... and more than just a little. But I'm also okay with it, I think. I've worked really hard and learned so much that I do actually believe I'm ready to move forward even though it's a little scary. I am also beyond thankful I had the mind to keep up this blog journal so I can look back on everything I've worked at. I know it was likely more than tedious at times for anyone reading but writing helps me cement how-to's in my brain and with so much learning going on I didn't want to forget any of the techniques I have been taught. If I find I have trouble with stairs, I can look back at my stair learnings to refresh... things like that will be helpful if I find myself stumbling with a task (of course I hope that won't happen but if it does, I now have written reminders). And just because I graduated today, it isn't the end of my program time because once part of the Neuro Day Program, I will always be part of the program... something I didn't know until recently but even just learning it has helped me find ease in such a big change. When my new sticks arrive, I just need to call and make an appointment for Julie to help me adjust to the new walking aid and make sure I am safe using them outside instead of the walker. When my home exercises get easy to do, I just need to call and a new home exercise routine will be figured out for me. If I feel I am strong enough and ready to try some stand-up exercise machines at the gym instead of the Nu-Step, I just need to call and make an appointment to see if I will be safe to do so. Basically, any new challenges will still be overseen for as long as I need during my whole lifetime but I really hope that soon I will, well... find my own stride again, so to speak.
It's been an adventure in therapy, that's for certain. There were times I felt so elated my heart beamed Care Bear Beams and others where I felt so drained'n'deflated I wanted to just melt through the nearest floor tile crack I could find. I'd say it's all evened out pretty well thus far.
And to all of YOU, my incredible and beautiful friends, who have stuck through this healing blog journey with me, who have patiently listened and so kindly supported me as I prattled on about the good stuff and the bad stuff... I could never have done this without you, my Posse of Awesome!! I thank you and I appreciate you more than you will likely ever know!
Lessons and love... my heart is gratefully full.
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