I first need to explain that I worry and panic about visits to the Dentist from the moment I make my next nine-month cleaning/check-up appointment until the day OF that next appointment. I worry SO much about having to have an actual dental procedure done that I am obsessive about flossing and brushing and I work really hard to keep my teeth as perfect as I can by flossing usually five or six times a day and brushing at least four times a day... So far my clean teeth madness has been serving me well since my plan is for cleaning every six months but my dentist says because I take such good care I only need to come in every nine or twelve months just for the check-up. A few years ago, however, I did have to have a root canal when I somehow cracked tooth number sixteen... talk about a cruel twist since sixteen has always been my most favourite and fortunate number! Talk about TERRIFIED when I heard the words 'root canal' since all I had ever heard were horror stories but the root canal part was actually pure relief after only the first of three appointments and it wasn't anything to have fretted over as I had. I was blessed to have been referred to the incredibly relaxed yet chipper and kind Endodontist who calmly explained every detail of every move he made as he carefully dealt with banishing my all-encompassing cracked tooth pain. I have never been so grateful to be in a dental chair as I was then! So technically, I know I can deal with dental work if need be but I still can't help my panicking at simply the thought.
Yesterdays appointment was a different kind of nervous, though; it was my first step back into the real world on my very own. Enz had promised weeks ago to help me on my first non-therapy appointment but then told me over the long weekend that he wouldn't be able to after all because he had someone still in town from his head office at my afternoon appointment start-time. Monday was Thanksgiving so with everything closed I had no time to cancel my Tuesday appointment. I agonized over how I was going to deal, right from when Enz told me on Saturday until my actual appointment on Tuesday. My pa-in-law was happy to come and stay with my boys while I had to be out so I was thankful for knowing my boys were set and would be well cared for while I was gone but I was still pretty angry in my sudden extra panic when even just my regular dental visit panic is more than enough!
I didn't have a choice. I may not have wanted to keep my appointment in my upset but I am not one who would ever bail on an appointment... so off I headed. I was tummy-fluttered as I pulled on my favourite comfort-easy-on ankle boots and made the few steps over to my vehicle to lift in my walking sticks. Already, I felt a little better just at the tiny slice of Independence lifting my own sticks offered me. Then I climbed up into the seat and slid the key in to start the ignition before I remembered that I had forgotten my water. I hate not having water with me because I get cranky when I'm thirsty... so I climbed back out and used one of the other cars in the garage to steady myself as I walked back inside to get my favourite pink cooler water bottle. I said goodbye to my boys again and went back out to my waiting ride only to find I had inadvertently locked the keys in the ignition. Yay, another sudden extra moment of panic! Fortunately, I knew my pa-in-law would let me take his car if need be but I rushed back inside the laundry room door and hurriedly ripped out the extra-key bag in hopes that my extra key was in there - I wasn't certain it would be because I love my Hummer so much that I was sure I had probably stashed the key somewhere else as I do with my beloved El Camino since I feel like they're both to good to have to share space with less-than extra keys... as luck would have it, my spare key was, in fact, in the bag! so out I went... again... to unlock my car and finally head out to my dental cleaning appointment. The good thing about all of this awkward, hurried and worrisome start is that my fear of getting safely inside the dental office was overshadowed by my having overcome the hassles I created for myself just in leaving the garage!! By the time I was on the actual highway, headed into town, I was relaxed, flutterless and just letting my beloved Johnny Lee loudly and Cherokee Fiddlingly comfort me along.
By the time I had arrived at my dreaded destination and parked my vehicle, I was doubting myself again and just as I reached into the armrest cubby for my emergency cell phone to dial Enz, the phone started to ring with his call to check on me...
"I was just about to dial your number," I said when I had figured out how to answer after about the fifth ring, "I just got here right now."
"I can sneak away for a few minutes if you need help getting inside, I'm only a one minute drive away."
"I think I'll be okay..." I was really hoping he would just say he was already heading outside.
"I can come right now."
"I should be fine. I'm not too far from the door and I'm really early so I'll just take my time....."
"Okay, but call me when you get inside."
"No, I can't, I can't carry my phone with my sticks and I don't have big enough pockets in my plaid to hold it so I'm leaving it in my car. I'll be okay, I'll just call you when I'm finished."
"Okay, just be careful and if the elevator is not working go back to the car and call me to come. DON'T go on the stairs by yourself."
No, I won't try the stairs with the sticks by myself, I will take the elevator for SURE!"
"Call me when you're finished."
"'Yup..."
*click*
So, I sucked in a long, deep breath just like I did all those nerve wracking times in therapy, forced myself out of the safe comfort of my ride, got myself properly set with my walking sticks and started toward the office galleria entrance of our local shopping mall. How grateful am I that there is a hallway entrance straight to the elevator/stair area for the upstairs offices which meant that I didn't have to step foot in the actual shopping areas and deal with my social nerves of maybe running into someone I know! I slowly and only a little shakily made my way in, down the hallway and up in the elevator which lands pretty much directly outside the dental office door. WHEW... one-third of the battle already won!!!
I had made it inside safely and surprisingly surely. My cleaning went as well as usual and was finished from check-start to polish in only about fifteen minutes which left me another forty-five to wait for the dentist since the cleaning blocks are always booked for hour long slots... yay for my obsessive tooth work leading to easy cleanings! My check-up with the Dentist was quick and painless as well, except for the fact that I do need to return next week for new impressions for a new mouth-nightguard since I have apparently been grinding my teeth quite badly while sleeping; he said it's not surprising with the stress of all that has been happening with my legs over the past almost two years. In my resolve to keep smiling and remain positive during my waking hours, my jaw has been clenching and grinding my sleepy subconscious worries and doing damage to my jaw joints causing displacement. No wonder I've been having some pain and headaches but I wasn't about to complain. Anyhow, both the impression and nightguard fitting appointments are really quick and easy so I don't have to let myself stew over going back for them which is a relief! I did, however, still have worries of getting back out to my car.
I had heard rumours of truth, that we now have in our local mall, a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and darned if I didn't peek over the open-to-below railing while making my way out of the office that my favourite store was directly below and just across the shop lined hallway!!! My mind was suddenly and completely OFF my worries of getting back to my car! All the way down the single floor elevator ride I turned over in my mind whether or not I should take myself into the store of deliciousness for an after-dentist dark chocolate peanut butter cup to celebrate (which I was going to save to share with Enz because sharing always makes everything taste even better) but by the time I had reached the hallway to outside I had decided that I just didn't feel right about having two bags hooked over my walking sticks handles... one with a toothbrush and floss and another with a Heavenly chocolate treat. When I later mentioned it to Enz and then my mama, both had said to me, "Well, you could've just tucked one bag inside the other and no one would have known!" But I would've known and I would've felt like an absolute tooth fraud so maybe on my next appointment I will get a chocolate treat to share since I won't have a dentist bag with me again until my next cleaning!
Anyhow, I had made it through getting into the office, made it through my appointment and when I was finally back inside my comfy ride once again, I reached for my phone to call Enz and let him know I had survived. He said he could get away for a few minutes if I wanted to meet for a coffee which I sure did! I said I would pick him up from his office so we weren't taking up so much parking space with two vehicles in case the coffee shop was busy because that just isn't fair to other people trying to find parking space. For the first time in a LONG time, I picked someone up to go for a coffee and I actually got out of the car and went inside to sit and enjoy a coffee... steeped tea actually because I changed my mind once there. It was so nice to be out in a public setting and not feel a spectacle stuck behind a bulky walker! Sure, I had my sticks but they are different than the walker and I feel freer and less stick-outy and more secure and sure of myself with them after even only a week and a half of practicing LOTS. Enz says they don't stick out in looks with being flat black and are hardly noticeable... I know he's being generous just to urge me out of the house but believing it is helping me get over the embarrassment, and so is the fact that the sticks and all my hard work in learning to walk and control my legs again has given me back, well... me!
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