Peripherally-Neuropathically NERVOUS..... EEEEEK!!!

I find myself suddenly nervous.

Just over a week ago I had an intake assessment interview for the Neurology Day Program at a local hospital in hopes that they could help me find sure footing once again. The lady I met with told me that things would move quickly from that point and I would know within a week whether or not they would take on my case. There were three possibilities, well four if you count the possibility of not being accepted at all but that was never an option in MY mind... I would either be put into the Outpatient Neurology Day Program, the Outpatient Physio Program or (my worst fear) the Inpatient Neurology Program. I was gratefully put into the Neurology Day Program and am to start this Wednesday, only two short days from now.

When the phone call came that I would be starting the day program... well, I can't even begin to describe the instant relief I felt so this nervousness I'm feeling right now is throwing me a little. I want to heal and I want to be able to live my life physically confident again. So why my sudden new fears when I have been so long desperate for helpful therapies?? Am I afraid that my legs will fail me? Yes! Am I afraid of having to admit that things are hard for me when I always try to just brush the struggles off? Yes! Am I afraid I will be embarrassed in being seen wobbling and faltering during physical therapy? Yes! Am I afraid of being seen with tears from my mortification? Yes! Am I afraid I will ultimately have to give in to being stuck with a walker? Terrified!!!

I know what you're thinking already, that I am being ridiculously vain in my worries and I know you would be right... still, these are my fears, as silly as they might seem. Before the Peripheral Neuropathy happened to me I may have thought the same but being the supporter is, without doubt, much easier than having to accept being supported in times like this. If this had happened to anyone else I'd have been the first to say... Who cares if people look at you or what anybody else might think? ...but it's different when you're the one being judged, even if it's only in your own mind.

I don't know how long I will be in the program or what mixture of therapies I will be working my way through but I do know that I will put everything I am into everything I do toward finally and fully healing. Wednesday I have my physio therapy assessment followed on Friday by my occupational therapy assessment and full program Orientation. I'm as excited and hopeful as I am worried and nervous but ultimately I know that this is what I have to do if I want to live my life fully and happily healthy again... out of hiding!

At my assessment interview, the Counsellor had asked me what my goals for therapy are and it threw me a little. For sixteen months my goal had been just to be MY normal again but over the past week and a half I've really been thinking about that question.


And I do have goals I want to work toward.....

1) To walk CONFIDENTLY on my own again.

2) To climb stairs normally rather than having to crawl up and down.

3) To be able to safely walk both of my boys (Greyhounds, for those who don't know) on my own.

4) To go hiking again.

5) To strengthen my body so I will be less tired and hopefully have less pain from the struggles of even the most basic movements.

6) To lose the weight I've packed on with not being physically able to workout like I did before the Neuropathy attacked me.


I am not asking for perfection, I am just asking for myself back and I'm gonna work SO hard to make it happen. I never meant for this to become a 'recovery blog' but it may seem that way for a little while because healing sometimes is in sharing the struggles just as much as it is in physically working them away.