No, I don’t have children. No, I don’t care that it may seem childish. My family and friends have been bombarded with my YouTube sliding posts of the exhilarating fun (even if maybe to the point of annoying) on my social media accounts but many have been beyond kind and supportive of the silliness. Sometimes silliness is fun! But it’s more than that...
A few days ago marked Year Three of working toward healing from the sudden attack of Guillain-Barré Syndrome that paralyzed my legs for a time. It’s been a really rough few years in the struggle of learning to walk again and although three years doesn’t sound like a long time, it sure has felt like forever to me. I love to be active. I love to be outside having fun... especially in winter!
What I've missed the absolute most over these long three years has been skiing. I love that quiet ride up the chairlift. I love standing for those few seconds at the top of the mountain, looking down and planning my cutting path as I tap-test my skis to make sure their bindings are perfectly set to my boots while adjusting my goggles and making sure I’m all tucked in and zipped up for swishing down through the freezing air on the run that I always just know is going to be my BEST one yet! And I love to get lost in the sound of my skis cutting through the snow, the feel of my poles planting and guiding my way down the winding trails and the side-sight of the fresh snow spray that follows my every turn. It’s an awesomeness that I can’t even fully describe my feelings of. Pure magic.
I’ve not been up a chairlift in three years, since the days before the GBS took me down and although I have been incredibly bummed about that fact I have worked really, REALLY hard to not let myself complain about being stuck inside during winter. Well, you might be thinking, there are many other winter activities you could have been doing even if you couldn’t ski... and you would be right, there are many other winter activities to be had. However, my usual love of cold weather has been very challenged with the disease and it’s not been exactly fun. Before I got sick, I hardly ever wore a winter coat, except on the ski hill where speeding down through cold is just dangerous. I just never really seemed to feel cold and alternately struggle with being too warm in the summer. But, cold on damaged and healing nerves is excruciatingly painful and even in opening the pen door for the boys bathroom visits set me into uncontrollable, painful shaking fits even while bundled in multiple layers of heat-formulated clothing... winter outside time quickly became terrifying for me. This past Fall was awful for the freezing shudders taking me over but as Winter set in I started to notice not as much pain from the cold, except in my feet, lower legs and hands where it feels like sharp knives are continually poking and slicing my skin if even a hint of cold air touches them. Heat socks have become my closest ally in life these days! Anyhow, my slowly healing nerves finally seem to have healed enough that with proper bundling I really can happily spend a little time outside in my beloved Winter having a tiny bit of wintertime FUN!
Why sliding??
Sliding is fun, that’s why.
And more importantly... it’s easy freedom. It’s a few seconds of FAST ZOOMING after years of being stuck at turtle speed (no offense meant to turtles, I love turtles!). In those seconds, I am not stuck struggling, trudging and tripping through the snow with my Stix, instead, I am flying down the hill just like everything is all back to normal. Except it’s not quiiiiiiite normal yet because I still have the fear before I make myself push off at the top. I question my body’s ability to get me back up the hill before I even get going down. I question my steering and stopping abilities and whether it’s worth risking a trip into the lake. I am scared to let go every time... but more than the scared, I am grateful that I find the strength to push off and fly down that hill for the gift of getting to feel like my old, capable self again in those few joyous seconds of not having to admit that life is still going to be slow for at least a little while longer.
I am still working at healing. I do my daily physio exercises, I attend my Neurologist appointments and continue to go through the MRI and Nerve Testing to guage my slow improvements, I concentrate on controlling every step I earn and I keep my attitude set on forward encouragement over self-pity, which I still thankfully REFUSE to give in to... but sometimes a little lift in spirit with something that’s easy is a good thing, too. Yes, I’ve been thriving in just letting completely loose with our fun sliding antics but I’m also still learning lessons, I do have to be careful. After our first invigorating day of sliding, it wasn’t until hours later when we were home and I was changing into a comfy-cozy onesie to warm up and relax that I noticed I must have smashed my shin on ice or a rock hidden beneath the snow... my leg was all scratched up and bloody, already swelling and bruising and I hadn't a clue that I had even hurt myself. This past weekend, I came home with bruised knees and a bruised and scratched elbow from all the lake ice landings. I did feel the elbow smash, which is good, but I didn’t feel the leg smashes as painful because I still don’t have a lot of feeling back in my legs yet. Kind of scary that I can hurt myself and not feel the damage when it happens, and by the size of the bruises, I totally should have felt those hits. So, we learned that we should make sure there is nothing in our path that might cause injury, which probably should have been common sense ever our ‘let’s just give’er a go’ method of forging sliding runs aimed head first toward the lake.
All in all, it has been beyond incredible to just let loose and have a little real winter fun. The cold air is refreshing, the speedy descent is a complete and invigorating rush and the gift of being able to just be me again is worth all the time it’s taken to work my way back. I still stumble, I still have to plan each step I take, I still need my Stix to safely traverse the outside world BUT in challenging myself to let go of some of my latelyfound fears I am beginning to heal even more in my heart.
And so, this silly sliding fun will continue, and who knows... maybe come springtime I’ll be running back up that hill after every fun and hysterical slide down!
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