I spent the whole weekend waiting and looking forward to my early morning physio today, I knew some extra challenge was coming but I hadn't quite expected just how much challenge I would be facing! I had pushed my body this weekend with operating the Bobcat on Saturday to dig the ground in getting ready for the new pool and though I know it's basically an easy job because it's hand controls, it still takes all my concentration to work at keeping my body straight and safely anchored while working inside of it... not to mention the work it takes me just to get in and out of the machine with help. It feels SO fantastic to be of use instead of just having to sit and watch; talk about a beaming heart when I crawl out of the machine having accomplished something! Then on Sunday, my father-in-law was discharged from the hospital after his Carotid Endarterectomy surgery following his stroke and asked us to take him out to camp for a little fresh air and walk in the quiet. The walk was a very short one but challenging for all three of us not-quite-up-to-snuff ones... Dad after his stroke and surgery, my Day healing from his surgery and my still healing body. The hills at camp were even harder for me with the walker but I managed to put my new-worked ramp skills to use and made it up and down all on my own, albeit very slowly. It's VERY rocky where we are. When we cleared the land to build our camp, the machines were able to dig and cut through some rock but once they hit the Canadian Shield... that was as far as they went so basically, that is our whole area foundation and traversing it with a walker is a full body workout! All in all, it was a big workout of a weekend, still, I couldn't wait to give my body even more work this morning at therapy!
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| Play (blue shoes) is the only healthy one of this bunch but he was so patient and made frequent stops to lean in and hug his Nonno along our short walk... I think Nonno missed Play and Day even more than he missed us! |
Since Nonno is staying with us while he recovers we had a full car as we headed out to therapy this morning, Enz and I up front, Nonno and the walker in the middle, the boys snuggled together in the back of the SUV; we were a little early getting in to town so we dropped him off at his house which is only about a five minute drive from the hospital so he could have a few minutes on his own while Enz and the boys dropped me off before going back to help him gather a few things for his stay with us.
At eight-thirty, mine was the first appointment of the day and the halls were so silent I felt for a moment like I had to tippy-toe and whisper... the whispering I could handle, the tippy-toe part, not so much. It felt a little strange when the place is usually bustling with activity but it was okay quiet, too. I am a morning person, quiet or bustling, I just love every minute of earliness and I always feel at my best, my strongest, so as I sat in the hall to change into my therapy shoes I felt my energy rising. And boy, did that rising energy come in handy!!
In my last post I mentioned that I had graduated from my first exercise program into a new round of daily home exercises. I knew the new exercises would be challenging but as excited as I was, I had no idea how hard the new challenges would be! I struggled, I agonized, I felt utterly and almost overwhelmingly defeated and I felt the teeniest pangs of triumph. The work of each new movement was an ordeal... some more excruciating than others but, with patience, concentration and help from Julie I managed through each new movement. I felt deflated when I could only lift my legs barely a single inch of the table and was close to tears until Julie gently reminded me that I had struggled with my introduction to my first set of exercises the very same way... "And now look how well you've done, you have graduated to new exercises and you are reeeaaaady..... It will be hard," she told me, "but your muscles are responding and we need to keep teaching your hips and your legs, we need to keep demanding more of them. It IS going to be hard... but you can do this." And she was right; in the weeks since starting my therapy I had somehow forgotten that when I first began everything really was just as hard as this new step forward (that feels like backward) and I did falter and struggle and hurt. I have been focusing so hard on earning my accomplishments that I guess I sometimes forget about the torturous angst of my rebuilding beginnings. I know in my heart that the struggle to heal is going to upset me at points but it helps to also know that some points will be filled with so much joy I may hardly be able to stand that. And so, I find myself at yet another new beginning and as difficult as this new routine is, it's going to serve me more than well in my journey to being whole once again.
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| To my new exercise routine papers... may you soon show the wrinkles and markings of your predecessors! And to the old... I thank you for the struggles, just as much as I do for holding my achievements!! |
I have moments of strong mixed with moments of weak but I know I will find my way through this stage just as I have found my way to this stage.
Physiotherapy - Appointment 14: (July 14, 2016.)
Balance begins... with terror.
I didn't know that today was going to be such a hit to my psyche. I feel so torn about today that I don't think I can make clear sense of my feelings even now, hours after the fact. It feels almost like the very instant I make peace with a physical acceptance... I find myself immediately at war again. Like this morning when we started working on my balance issues and I felt myself tense and quiet in my fear of letting go of the walker I have only just made peace with. The first time I had to reach for those first-dreaded walker handles my eyes pooled, my stomach roiled and I was so distraught at even just the thought of touching those handles that I felt like I was sticking my hands into buckets of worms... and anyone who knows me knows the panic inducing horror just seeing a lone worm does to me. Not a pretty sight.
We started today with a few strengthening exercises and though I stood safely holding onto the therapy table with a chair directly beside me for my between set breaks, I couldn't help my worries that my walker was out of my reach. Now, at home, my walker is usually out-of-reach and I am okay with it because I really can't easily use it inside the house anyway; Enz doesn't like it when I accidentally knock into a wall or the furniture and we don't really have an easily manoeuvrable floor plan. the good thing is we have large furniture and a large kitchen island so it's easy for me to always have something to hold to or help break my fall when I stumble and start to go down... But, outside and in big open spaces like the Neuro Gym, I don't have the same safely catch-nets as at home, my walker has become my net when out in the open so not being able to touch it was angst inducing to say the least. Somehow, I survived but more than a few times I had to talk myself into just holding to the padded table edge rather than gripping to it as if I were clinging to a cliff edge in danger of falling.
First we worked on some leg lifts; standing hamstring curls, standing glute kickbacks and toe-to-heel raises (two sets of each). I was elated to now be able to lift each of my feet entirely off the floor, even if it was only two inches I could clear it was still an inch-and-three-quarters higher than when we tried the same moves weeks ago. My body burned with the work and concentration of movement but I felt as strong as I did weak once I had finished. The hardest move was definitely the toe-to-heel raise... I actually do really well on the toe raises (lifting heels off the floor) but trying to get my toes off the floor while expecting my heels to hold me is one of the worst feelings I've ever known. My whole body turns into an all-out mess... my ankles seem to fall apart as my legs turn to wobbling jelliness and I just have to fight so hard to hold onto the table so in trying to avoid falling completely apart. It's frustrating, so unbearably frustrating. But we modified movements and techniques until I could teach my toes a new way to ever so slightly lift in confidence and toward the second half of my second set I was able to lift juuuuuuuuuust barely from the floor - not really fully on my heels but I'll get there eventually.
Next came the part of my session that took it's swift but heavy toll on my dignity, as if my dignity hasn't suffered enough through this ordeal... okay, so it wasn't near as bad as losing bathroom dignity but it was a hard hit nonetheless. This morning I learned how to pick things up. Go ahead and laugh, I'm sure I looked ridiculous in my humiliating task of picking up coloured popsicle sticks from the floor only to then stand and steady myself to reach forward and pace each one into the waiting container set far enough in front of me (atop the therapy bed) to make me stretch and reach. Of course I've dropped things since this illness hit but I had unknowingly been compensating not being able to bend'n'retrieve with my flexibility allowing me to keep my legs straight while holding onto something, leaning over and then pushing my body back up using only my arm strength; if I happened to be too far away form a safety net, whatever I had dropped simply waited until I had help in the form of someone to do the picking up for me... and then I would apologize profusely for having to ask for help. I am, in my heart, happy to have the opportunity to be learning simple tasks again but my heart also sinks in mortification of just how hard the simple tasks have become. Even as I watched Julie place the row of tens sticks on the floor before me, I dreaded what was to come. The sticks lay tauntingly in front of me, just a few inches out from my shoulder-width planted feet and the safety of the table edge was my only comfort..... until it was taken away. I had to let go. I couldn't let go. Julie gently led me through the mechanics yet again, "Just like you are sitting into a chair... bending your legs, crunch those abs tight to hold you together just like we've been practising with getting into a chair and not using your arms... the very same movements, you can do this..." I was shaking, I could barely catch my breath in my need to concentrate on controlling my every movement. I honestly didn't think I really could do it but then, suddenly, my left hand fingertips touched the far-left stick. I can't even find words to describe just how hard it was to mix the two concentrations I needed then, one to hold my chair-style squatting and another to fumblingly pick that stick up and hold it as I refocused on raising myself to stand again. It was horrible. But I slowly forced my legs to lift and straighten while crunching my abs to fight the ataxia so wanting to overtake me. Once my legs were straight and I felt stable enough, I lifted my body at the waist enough to lean and reach to drop the stick into the cup. I had to focus so much on not missing the bulls-eye of the cup which was actually even more of a disheartening discovery for me. My arms and hands are strong and controllable, or so I had thought but when my whole body had to become a unit in order to complete this one simple job, nothing wanted to cooperate, even my arms and hands took every bit of effort I had to find, retrieve and place. Once I finally did get the stick into the cup it was time to repeat and bring up another stick with my right hand. I started immediately to wobble and without even thinking I reached to steady myself by gripping the bed-edge as I bent... "No holding! You can do this. Just like sitting onto a chair..." oh yeah... crap..... It took awhile in both time and excrutiatingness but I did retrieve every one of those ten damned coloured popsicle sticks.
We moved onto another new move using a hand weight for twisting passes. Again I stood slightly out from the edge of the therapy table. In trying to tame the ataxia that overtakes me it is important to really work at strengthening my core muscles which took a really big hit when the paralysis first came on. The simple movements of a completing just one standing weighted twist had me in quite a tizzy. Julie stood directly behind me and held on to the safety belt around my ribs with one hand while holding a small hand weight in the other. My task was to keep my feet and hips planted and facing forward while twisting to my right to take the weight from her before twisting around to my left to give it back to her on the opposite side. It was a struggle of epic proportions to remain standing, twist and not drop that weight while trying to keep myself from crumbling in the process. Slowly but shakily... I can't say I aced that movement but I can say I didn't fall down or drop the weight.
Last up for the day was clothespin twists... Enz kind of delighted a little too much in the fact that I could now hang some laundry on a line like that's such a big deal! That may be the last time I share my accomplishments, at least the ridiculous seeming ones with someone who just doesn't understand struggles. Anyhow, I wasn't actually using a clothesline... there's this, well I guess it's a kind of therapy activity board that has a whole bunch different tasks it helps with. My board task for today was to stand with the board at my right side, do the same kind of squats as with the popsicle stick pick-ups but this time adding a slight twist to pick up clothespins from the floor to my left side (picking up with my right hand)... then raising myself back to a stand and reaching to clip each clothespin onto one of the screws beneath the overhang of the board. Far from as easy as it sounds but I manged all five, even through my many missed attempts at the screws. Next I had to turn around and reach with my left hand to retrieve each clothespin, lowering and twisting them back to the floor, placing each back into the container on my right side. It had been hard when turned the other direction but this way was awful since my right side is still so resistant to work. I felt like I cheated a little by getting close and just dropping each clothespin into the container but I just couldn't manage to reach and set them down even though I was working and concentrating so hard.
I guess when it comes right down to it, I succeeded in some things today and I tried with others. I know that if I was competent at everything I wouldn't need to be in therapy but it still stings pretty sharply to feel I failed. I'm a bit of a bomb of emotions as I sit here to write and for now, unfortunately, this blog is my only safe place to go off. And to be completely honest, even I don't want to have to deal with any of this. I want to be strong and healthy not weak and embarrassed. I really do believe that before much longer I will be back to my capable self, it just bites to have faltering moments in the meantime. I may sometimes feel a failure but I actually do know in my mind and in soul that I've truly not failed... I am still working and that is success in itself.
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