Today was a really great day at my therapy session... not such a great day during travel-time to and from. I suppose the great cancelled out the not-so-great to make it an okay day overall. Enz is getting really frustrated and angry with me for needing rides to my appointments and I have a really hard time asking anybody else for help. My aunt has driven me a few times and I know she is happy to help me but it isn't easy for her to get around lately either since she is waiting on knee surgery so I don't want to ask unless it's unavoidable. My mom, try as she might, just doesn't care about being on-time for anything and I refuse to be late and miss even a second of my scheduled therapy so I just can't trust her to get me there when I need to be. And my sister is so busy with her wonky work schedule that even if she is off, I don't like to ask when I know she always has so much running around to do in the few free hours she has... I have had to ask my sister to pup-sit my boys while I was at therapy a couple of times and I know she is also more than happy to help whenever and however she can but it mostly all just boils down to my upset of this new reality where I am a burden; a fact that sucks all on its own and Enz being pushy and mean in his own upset-with-me today didn't help, at all.
I tried to just ignore the anger during the half-hour drive to therapy because I knew that it was going to be a tough day in the pool and I needed a positive mindset to get me through but once I'd been almost defeated by the water I had no strength left to get me through the snarky ride back home. Today may not have been quite so bad if Enz's dad hadn't also had his own doctor appointment following my appointment that he needed to be taken to and helped through after his recent stroke. I apologized for needing rides but I know apologizing doesn't help once the damage of annoyance has fully taken its toll. The ride home felt pretty honestly like it was taking FORever and not just because of the construction work slowdown... the fury was piercing even in silence. Once we arrived back at the house things just got worse. I wasn't getting through the garage quickly enough because there was a sixteen-foot long roll of landscape paper and some bags of stuff for the camp blocking me from getting my walker through the usual pathway. I finally gave up, pulled the walker up to folded position and worked my way over the mess holding tight to one of the vehicles parked inside. Once I got to the door and was taking the collars and leashes off my two waiting Greyhounds, Enz roughly pushed past us to get inside and retrieve his forgotten set of keys before pushing past angrily again on the way back out... I was lucky to be right beside the washing machine to catch myself on or I would have fallen in my stumbling. I finally had had enough and said, "Stop being MEEAAAN!!!" He didn't stop but just yelled back, "I'm not being MEAN! I'm BUSY! I have things TO DO!!" Then the garage door closed and the boys and I were thankfully alone.
Needless to say, it's been a Keith Whitley healing kind of afternoon.....
I am grateful to have three HIGHpoints for today, though... my two sweet boys and my fantastical therapy session! I was much more at ease with getting into the water this week and since I hadn't used up so much energy in my stress and fear of starting water exercises, as I had last week, it was a much better outcome. The water still feels just so weird. I had been in our hot tub a couple of times over the the winter but still had no feeling in my legs which was kind of odd to get used to since it wasn't until I was in up to upper-thigh depth before I could feel that I was in water and that the water was hot; it actually kind of scared me a little to know that I could quite honestly have stepped into scalding water and not known until my legs would have shown the visible signs of damage. I actually did burn my arm once, almost a year ago when my arms were still also without feeling. When this whole thing first started my arms and torso were also affected but I regained all my arm strength within days... sensation took about a year. Anyhow, before sensation in my arms/hands came back, I had stirred a cooking sauce that boiled up and splattered my arm. I remember seeing it and thinking 'oh, better turn that down a little' then just casually wiping away the splatter I saw on my arm before pulling my sleeves back down. My normal reaction from a boil-splatter would have been to pull my arm back at lightning speed while shouting "OWWW... FUCK that huuuuuurts!!!" while rushing for the sink to run cold water over it but, my reaction to this one was to simply wipe away what I saw. It wasn't until later on when I was changing for bed and pulled off my top when I saw the open-oozing blistery burn on my arm. I had no idea that I had hurt myself until I saw it. It was scary to know that I could hurt myself and not know it... and that fear comes back to me every time I have to step into the hot therapy pool now. It's better now though, because I actually can feel that the water is hot, I just can't feel that its water until I am in to about hip-level. It's really the strangest feeling to feel as though I am half standing in dry campfire heat flares and half standing in hot water once I am in chest-deep. it takes getting used to and I have to take the first few minutes each time to work it all out in my mind and trust that my body can get through what it needs to while in the water.
Anyhow, once I was in, settled and ready to work in the water... everything went well. The work was hard, lifting and controlling my legs with the water-resistance is truly a brutal feat of effort, both physical and mental! We started with a review of last weeks exercises of heel lifts, toe lifts, crossover touches and we added in hip-abductor lifts which were brutal and already have my muscles sore in regret but also in thankfulness because I can FEEL the soreness of hard-worked muscles... a true gift just on its own. The last task I conquered was to let go of the side of the pool and sidestep my way across the middle of the pool and back again while holding to a metal pole my aquatic therapist, Dave, had placed across from one side to the other to help me balance as I moved. I was nervous but made it all the way across before needing a rest before heading back across. Proud as punch, I was, to have attempted and succeeded at another water session. But I was beyond exhausted and getting changed was more than a chore; luckily I had brought a little sundress and a plaid to just throw on afterward. I was extremely wobbly in adjusting back to my 'land-legs' again this week but Dave says it might get easier as my legs work to grow stronger in the water... I sure hope he's right! Actually, I believe he's right!! being in the water today was as tough as it was beautiful and I feel incredible with the strides I made in both getting over my fears and getting through my newest challenges.
Dave talked to me throughout our session about setting smaller goals on my way to ultimately achieving my full goals like walking all on my own again with BOTH of my boys (all by ourselves) and skating again. What he said makes sense so I am going to sit down and make myself a list of mid-therapy attainable goals to help me through and keep feeling accomplished. He gave me examples of goals that I could already check off in todays appointment that I hadn't even realized, things like... Was more relaxed while on the stairs into the pool - check! Was smiling as working my way deeper into the pool rather than stressing with worry - check! Not holding to the pool edge in a white-knuckle-death-grip - check! ...All things so tiny but meaning so much and I hadn't even realized them until he brought each one to my attention. Smaller goals along my healing journey; perhaps just as important as my utimate goals for healing. Just one more BIG something new I opened up to today.
There was one more beautiful happening when I first arrived and was making my way inside the hospital... I ran into one of the Maintenance Men (who are ALL so friendly, even when I'm slow-moving and sometimes in their way when we are doing stair-work) and after saying a cheerful hello he said to me, "Wow... your walking's getting better, huh!?" I felt myself beaming that it was noticeable and I wasn't just convincing myself I was slowly improving, "Thank you!! It's slow but it's coming back!" I said, so grateful to him. He smiled, "You're doing really well!" Whether he knew I was coming in from beneath an angry cloud and in need of a kind word or he really meant it, I may never know. But I do know he made my day brighter and he helped me get into the strong and uplifted attitude I needed to get through my therapy.
Kindness is everywhere, even in darkness... we just need to be open to accepting it into our wide open hearts when it shows up. I know everyone has frustrations to release but when someone else's anger makes someone else want to quit the one thing that is finally helping... well, healthy kind of has to find a way to win.
No comments:
Post a Comment