Today was a challenge, to say the very least! Four times up and down the stairs the 'proper' way, which is just as exhausting as it is exhilarating. The triumphant joy I get when I reach either the top or bottom of the staircase is almost too much for me and it keeps me wanting to do more, to improve more. Lifting my legs and feet to the next stair is harder than just about anything right now, but I have faith that it will be easier with the work and the patience I am putting in. Because my brain is re-learning the movements my legs need to make in being able to climb and descend, it's taking all my concentration and that makes it all very confusing as well as very difficult. Thank goodness my therapist seems to have the Patience of Job as she helps my mind focus on what comes next for every step... reminding, positioning, guiding, repositioning, reminding, guiding... again and again and again. Because of the loss of both feeling and control suffered, my legs, feet and hips have learned to compensate but even I wasn't aware of the extent to which my body had been hurting itself in just trying to just appear my normal again. The simple combination of lifting a leg onto one stair to shifting body weight, to lifting opposite leg WHILE pulling toes up and leg through and up to the next step is something else! BUT... the last two times up and down we done with only one hand on the rail and the other hand on my hip!! Of course, I had the safety belt security around my ribcage and my movements were being constantly reminded and readjusted but with moving slowly and with so much concentration I made the last time up without once catching my uncontrollable foot on the edge of a stair. It's kind of wonderful how ginormous the littlest accomplishments can seem in moments like these.
After a few minutes of rest from our stairs practice, it was time to start in on re-teaching my legs and feet proper walking technique. Wowzers... let me just tell you, the mechanics of walking is not an easy deal to learn; if you can do it without painfully focusing on each and every movement sequence, you are fortunate! I will never again take for granted the ability of walking, even when it does finally come back around to being a natural progression for me... and it will come back!
I know that I was complaining and felt pretty hopeless for a few weeks with the grim prospect of being on a walker again but I am suddenly very thankful that I stopped fighting what was necessary. Throughout last Fall and early Winter I was doing pretty good at getting around on my own, as long as I was on perfectly flat surface... I felt like I was getting a sliver of independence back. And the Pneumonia hit me and it caused me to relapse a little, thankfully not back to the beginning of this struggle, but it did set me back and in my fight to appear as though I was still recovering, things worsened. Going back to a walker had NOT been in my plans. The first week was devastating. But I very quickly learned that living became easier when I let myself use the walker. I was able to play catch in the back yard with my boys (two Greyhounds) and I threw a ball and a frisbee WITHOUT falling down... thanks to the security of the walker. I am not nearly as exhausted throughout the days because I am not tense in fighting so hard to keep from falling while walking... thanks to the security of the walker. I now see that I'm not exactly going backwards as it had first seemed, instead, I and working forward with the help of an aid I pushed away far before I was ready to.
Sooooooo, having finally learned to properly use the walker and now having finally made peace with the walker... I started learning how to take a few proper walking steps; I say 'a few' because out of probably sixty steps, I felt like maybe three actually panned out. I have been practicing marching steps for a few weeks now, trying to teach my legs to lift properly again and it's worked out well, so well that I am doing unexpectedly well with my stair adventures. I didn't know, though, that it wasn't helping my actual walking; I thought 'hey, I'm moving quicker, I'm regaining control, my legs are finally catchin' on to this shit!' But then came my first walking lesson. One time down the hospital corridor... holding on my walker for dear life as my ever-patient therapist walked directly behind me, holding me tight and steady with the safety belt still around me, guiding and correcting every movement involved in the art of walking. She held onto me with one hand and helped moved my hips while keeping them facing forward and balanced, then explained and helped me to carefully lift-move-place each foot in hopes of getting a normal walking gait happening. It was beyond excruciating just trying to get my toes lifted enough to clear the floor without letting myself take a marching step. But, and this is a pretty big but... I know that the regular walking steps will come because only a few weeks ago I struggled terribly with learning my marching steps and now I can almost run that way, okay, I can't really run that way, but am way more confident. Now to work on retraining my legs and feet to take regular steps. I have to admit, I did feel a little let down in myself for having a bit of a struggle in therapy when I have been leaving sessions of late feeling so positive about accomplishments. I know it's good though, that I am being gently pushed forward into each new training struggle before the 'learning hacks' become habits that will become even harder to break.
I honestly thought I had been doing well in getting around, I didn't fully understand the damage my body had suffered in compensating for so long. I knew I was leaning onto my safe side while shuffling around but it's become so bad that I even seem to do it now when I'm sitting, which I didn't even realize until I saw a picture my husband snapped of me over the weekend. I'll explain this horrible revelation a little... We are replacing our above ground pool with an on-ground pool (half buried/half above) and started with the digging. I absolutely love operating the bobcat and it's a perfect way for me to be able to help with the work right now because it's a sitting job and I don't have to worry about falling while still feeling useful. I imagine it did look pretty silly as I moseyed up with my walker and slowly crawled my way into the machine with my husband helping and lifting me safely in. Anyhow, he was taking some pictures and when I saw them later I asked, "Do I sit crooked like that now?" and my husband answered, "I never really focused on it... I don't know. I'll pay attention and tell you if you are now, though." Seems I may have even more to overcome than I had even known about.
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| Sittin' crooked but workin' hard and feeling proudly productive... |
Life, there are treasures to be found in every moment... at least that's what I am choosing to believe in. In the past few days I've realized some things, I've learned some things and I've accepted that I still have a long way to go. But I've also seen that I'm not as limited as I thought I was even just a week ago. I helped with a big yard job by doing actual physical work instead of just the planning. I am still capable just need a little help in getting safely set up.
Physiotherapy - Appointment 10: (June 30, 2016.)
Tired... but boy, is it ever a good kind of tired!
Today was a busy day at therapy, full of big frustrations and tiny accomplishments. The tiny accomplishments are definitely what keep me going through the big frustrations, my improvements may be small but I am seeing and feeling them so I know I am moving forward even though I am struggling; likely the reason it's called 'rehabilitation' instead of 'magically cured'.....
I wasn't kidding when I said it was a busy session today. Once I had arrived we headed straight for the stairs and I made my first try of going once up and back down without the ankle-weights on which proved to be my first frustration of the day. Because of the ataxia that has recently set in, I have been doing all of my therapy with weights to help ground and control my movements and coordination as my body relearns to work properly. Without the weights my leg and feet movements were really wobbly, although not super-wobbly like they were just five weeks ago... with all of my focus and concentration working on controlling my movements, I made it up and down with even less rest time in between that I had been needing. that's a good sign in itself, my body is needing less recovery time between exercises which means I am growing stronger.
While I sat on my walker for a quick break, my therapist strapped the weights around my ankles and it was back to work. Instead of immediately doing the stairs again we took a few minutes to do some new standing-at-the-landing-railing hip abductor exercises that were both unbearably hard and gratefully uplifting. Keeping my hips facing forward while lifting each leg out to the side and holding for a few seconds had me shakin'n'sweatin' with effort. I was frustrated in this one because I could only lift my legs out to the side just baaaaaarely enough to clear the floor with my feet and I couldn't control the shaking in my legs through the difficulty. what lifted my spirits and kept me going was realizing that my weight-shifting from one leg to the other was happening with only the odd quiet reminder and gently-helpful readjustment aaaaaand I was able to trust both of my legs to hold me without being terrified of lifting the other... this was pretty huge. I didn't have to stop between each weight shift to worriedly say a little prayer I wouldn't fall in letting go. Of course I was holding tight to the railing and had my therapist behind me holding the safety belt the whole time but I really felt more stable in the trust that I am slowly gaining as I slowly gain my strength back.
Next, it was on to another round of the stairs and I think it was my best attempt yet. I kept only one hand on the handrail and forced myself to not grip it for dear life, every movement is slow and over-exaggerated but the weight-shifting from one stair to the next is becoming so much smoother and I felt pretty stoked about my progress.
After the stairs we did one more set of the hip abductors, ten on each leg, and I did need a few minutes to recover from those!
Now it was time to move on... on to my most frustrating learnings and workings of the week; trying to walk properly. We had started with correcting my shuffling into proper walking technique at our last session and I had left feeling disappointed in myself for my dumb legs just not catching on. I tried over the days in between but my brain just could not get my legs and feet to heed the instructions my brain was trying to give them. I could see in my mind, as I repeated aloud each sequence step, what my legs needed to do but I just couldn't get my body to cooperate and it sucked. Today's walking lesson started out pretty much the same... I came to pretty much a complete halt with each movement which made it feel like an eternity to just get down the hallway. I have such a hard time controlling the lift and pull-through landing on heel first instead of toes or full flat foot with my misbehaving legs. I was getting frustrated and for the briefest of seconds even felt like I just wanted to throw in the towel and go back to the stairs where I already felt I was starting to succeed. But that would have sucked even worse, I think.
We slowly headed down toward the Physio Gym, my first time there since I had only been working in the Neuro Gym until today, and stopped in to see the exercise pool area and try out those few steps in working up to when my water therapy exercises will start. This little detour took my mind off the walking issues for a few minutes and by the time we finished the tour, I was ready to try again.
We worked on my walking with the parallel bars and before long I was actually getting the hang of the proper walking movements. I normally try to avoid looking in mirrors but I didn't have a choice with the mirror at the end of the bars and it actually helped me to see just what my therapist was correcting and how my body needed to be positioned for the movements required. I felt secure holding to the bars as I slowly made my way down the long platform. The challenge of keeping my hips facing straight and not snapping outward was exhausting in itself and adding the lifting of each leg along with the forward movement and weight-shifting was almost too much... almost. I had a really hard time lifting my feet and toes just enough to clear the walking pad, it's so much easier to just take a marching step and let my foot awkwardly fall, but this isn't about easier. So, this is when my therapist went for the handweights, she set a whole bunch of them, about sixteen inches apart, down the entire length of the walkway. My legs finally started 'getting' the idea toward the end of our first trip down. Lift and clear juuuuust enough to pass over each small weight, lifting forward instead of up and landing heel first. Right now I am snail-slow and fully fixed on each move I need to make but I know I'll get quicker as I grow stronger. I made it three times back and forth on the parallel bars but the progress I made between the first time and the third... even I had noticed and I left feeling that accomplishment over feeling defeated.
SO much work. SO much concentration. SO much failing and trying again and making slivers of correct. It's those tiny but shiny slivers of correct that keep me looking forward to going back for my next session.
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