Well, this morning was a bit of a bummer but things are better this afternoon... so all ended perfectly!
I was all set and ready for another tough day in the therapy pool but once my aquatic therapist, Dave, and I had slowly made our way to the pool we discovered it had been drained of water and was being worked on... BUMMER GALORE!!! Somehow wires had been crossed and a memo had been forgotten to let everyone know that aquatic appointments would need to be cancelled. But that's okay, it meant the boys and I got out of the house for a little while and I got to practice my walking steps all the way up and down the long hospital corridor from the pool area back down to the neuro gym to get my schedule for next weeks sessions. The therapy schedules are made up for us one week in advance so it gives time to arrange transportation and it takes so much 'being unsure stress' out of preparing for appointments so I was really happy to at least get my schedule in hand for next week. I find I worry about the silliest and most trivial things now, but it just takes so much thought and energy to get myself anywhere these days; every little tidbit of ease helps.
Next week I will be back to my regular physio schedule as well as keeping up with my new aquatic therapy schedule, well... as long as the pool is back to operation by then. I haven't been having physio the past little while because Julie, my physiotherapist, went home to Philippines for a three week visit and there is not another therapist to fill in for her. I have been doing my home exercises every day and trying really hard to concentrate on my proper walking steps, I have even been forcing myself to try the stairs up to the loft once every few days. I feel like I'm growing in strength with my exercises but the stairs are really scary for me when I am home on my own so I mostly go up and down the easiest way for me, sideways and holding tight to the banister with both hands... still FAR better than crawling on my hands and knees as I had to do only a matter of weeks ago. I'm finding the fear is hardest to overcome but it is dissipating as I grow stronger and learn to trust my body and its new re-learnings further. The stairs are actually a might more difficult at home than at the hospital which could also be part of my trouble in trusting myself while working on them; the hospital stairs are only about half the step-height of our home stairs and it is much harder to control my legs from one step to the next without wobbling and when I wobble on the stairs alone it's really scary. What if I fall? What if I can't get up after I fall? What if I break a bone or hit my head in a possible fall? How will I take care of my boys if I'm laying in a broken mess on the floor??! I know I need to get past my fears but in order to do that I need to first fully trust that I am fully capable... and really, I'm just not there yet. But I will be. I only just started learning stairs and walking-steps again so I have to keep reminding myself to be kind and patient with myself. I know that once Julie is back and we are fully back to routine, things will again start improving. The good thing is that I haven't slipped on my home exercises and I have been working on my home therapy program without fail so I know I haven't gone backward even though I've had a slight set-back in therapy sessions.
While I was at the hospital today, Dave did take a few minutes to talk with me about an outing we will be taking in two weeks, he has quickly noticed that I need a LOT of prep-time to work myself up to new situations. It bothers me greatly that this is now the case but I just don't know how to control my worry and upset at having to be seen struggling in public. Walking is SO much better with my walker but it's still really crappy to have to need it and that's kind of what I am most internally battling with these days. Anyhow, with our home pool now almost finished I will soon be able to work on my aquatic therapy exercises daily but once we close the pool for winter (usually around Thanksgiving) I will need to brave the public if I want to be able to continue daily water work... which I already know I do. Soooooo, in very early preparation, Dave will be taking me on a walker-friendly tour of our local athletic Complex to help ease my fears long before I have to make myself actually go. My sister is so awesome that she is going to join me on our tour since she is the one most likely to take and help me on my Complex days which should be as fun as it will be beneficial. Nan, my sister, already has a Complex membership so the tour will likely be a little boring for her but she's a good Chicken! And, she'll be learning about the 'accessible' side of things just like I will be which might not be so boring after all. I know I'll be much less stressed as well as safe with my sister by my side even in a massive and busy space like the Complex so I also know everything will be just fine! Dave explained to me that he feels the Complex will be most beneficial to me because of its accessibility; I can practice walking on the upstairs track, I can work on building my arm strength back up on different machines aaaaaaand I can also work on my water therapy exercises... just sucks that I know it's always a popular and busy spot but I will turn the suckiness into sunshine before I reach the point of going. Instead of having to go I will make sure I am thankful I get to go!
When I say my sister is a good Chicken... I mean it! She is always there for me, no matter what and she always has been. I'm three years older but she's always been the more outgoing of us and I have always looked up to her instead of the other way around. Just as an example of the kind of incredible person Nan is..... We did a lot of road/camping trips while growing up because it was so important to our dad. My older brother and younger sister never had trouble making new friends wherever we travelled but I was so painfully shy that I would have spent every second of my time hiding away in our old tent trailer just colouring and listening to my beloved Kenny Rogers if it hadn't been for Nan. Wherever we spent a night or two camping on our travels my sister would rush out to explore the very second we had parked in a spot and even before our parents had had chance to begin with camp set-up (this was back in the late seventies-early-early eighties when even four year old kids were allowed to go knock on doors looking for friends to play with). So, my little sister would tell my parents she was "off to find fri-eeeends" and she would disappear for a little while. I never once asked her to but she would ALWAYS start her rounds of skipping over to knock on trailer doors and ask whoever answered with her cheerful little, "Hi, I'm Reanna! Do you have any kids what are somewhere around seven years old??" Once she had finally found some kid who was, in fact, somewhere around seven years old (looking-for ages changed every year but her friend-finding-kindness never did) she would bring them over to our camp site telling them all about her sister who was seven and liked this, this, that and this and had a bike and a skateboard along and so on and so on until they reached me and she introduced us while telling me all the stuff she had learned the other kid liked to do. Once she knew I was happy and settled with my new friend she would disappear to start knocking on doors once again... "Hi, I'm Reanna! I'm looking for a friend for me now! Do you have any kids what are somewhere around four years old??" And it was never very long before she was again skippin' along home with a new friend her own age in-tow. Seriously, how could I NOT look up to someone like that?!!
So, knowing I will be in the very BEST Complex company I could possibly be in, I will start working myself up to not caring if people see me out and about with my walker. My walker is temporary and I need to work hard to make certain that temporary is true. Maybe working on exercises in a public athletic setting will help more than just my body to grow strong once again. I see a once more strong and independent mind also on the horizon.
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