Getting back into physio was much harder than I had expected it to be this morning... WHEW!!
I have been working on my daily home exercises and practicing on technique'n'control of my walking steps every chance I get but not having actual guided physio for three consecutive weeks may have set me back again juuuuuust a wee might. I thought I had been so careful and done so well with remembering each movement necessary when walking but in the past week I had been noticing little bits of pain in my hips again; I wrote it off as still getting used to my new set of home exercises but today learned that I have been 'dropping' my hips again while walking as I compensate for my uncooperative body. I haven't been in therapy for all that long so my body and my brain still, I guess, need reminding and correcting more than I even understood. In a way I felt let down with myself as we went along... correcting, readjusting, trying again and again and again and agaaiiin..... but once I was finished for the day I felt like I had worked hard and at least that much offered me a slight sense of accomplishment. I think one the worst parts of this whole deal is feeling like I'm just plain stupid sometimes and 'stupid' is a word I feel very strongly about never using. I swear up a constant storm of horrible but I will never use the word stupid, toward ANYONE or even out loud, at all! Lately, I feel like I am though, even though I know, I really and truly know, that I'm not. It's just that when I take three good steps in a row and then fumble on the fourth because I missed a step I know should be ingrained in my body, it gets so frustrating. I say "oh, I forgot to keep my hip tucked with that step"... or ..."oh shoot, I forgot to keep my toes up"... or ..."oh no, my abs weren't crunched"... or ..."oh crap, I forgot to force my heel to touch down before my toes..." and I know my body should know this stuff but my brain just isn't connecting with my body properly like it used to and it annoys me by making me feel so stupid that I can't seem to remember and follow even simple walking instructions anymore. I know I'm not actually stupid but getting my brain back to properly controlling my body is a struggle.
I try really hard to never complain about what's happened or how hard things are or about my disappointments in not being able to do all the things I love to do but I also don't want to just gloss-over all of the difficulties. I want to be able to look back and remember how hard it is and how hard I'm working to get through to being fully healthy again. I had a few posts that I wavered back and forth on whether or not I should write but in the end I decided it's ALL important and I have to write what's real and not just what I want to be real. Sure, I want to just look at the good things and admit how far I've come but my brain still works enough to know that I can't see how far I've come without being entirely present in every misstep or upset along the journey. So I won't gloss, but I will shine in all of this confusion, and everything will be okay.
At physio this morning we worked first on a few strengthening exercises which actually showed some pretty great and surprising improvements. My new home exercises routine has been making a difference and is truly helping... even though I despise doing them. Okay I don't exactly despiiiiiise doing the exercises but they are extremely challenging; they take me a long time to get through and at times leave me feeling nauseated from the effort it takes of me. BUT they are working and I learned that they are working when I saw that I can now lift my foot farther back and almost two inches higher with the standing hamstring curls I haven't attempted since my last physio session. So yes, the work is excruciating but it's also strengthening my muscles which brought me joy in knowing that I have continued to move forward in strength, at least. I managed through three sets of ten curls on each leg with a sitting rest in between and I was out of breath but proudly so.
Next up was standing hip abductor side lifts..... which didn't go quite as well as the first exercise. I did okay with the right side lifts when all my weight was on my left leg but when I switched I started feeling pain in my right hip which told me I was doing something very wrong, Julie was already starting to correct me but my body kept twisting and my hip kept popping out trying to compensate for its lack of strength. My body simply refused to cooperate and we needed to make an adjustment so instead of doing the lifts on-the-spot, Julie had me step my way sideways along the table edge as she guided and corrected my posture the whole way. It took a LOT of reminders and adjustments but halfway down the table for my third set I had FINALLY stuck the routine... weight shift, hip tuck/ab crunch, step to the side, other hip tuck/ab crunch, weight shift..... and survived!
Afterward, Julie had planned on Working a little on my balance but instead decided we needed to work on controlling my hips from 'dropping out' when I try to walk properly. I have grown very quickly to feel more secure with my walker but using it properly is a challenge of wills, I'm finding. In my will to not fall down I want to depend on it to do what it's supposed to do - help me stand and move steadily. Yet in my will to advance myself to not needing its help - I still can't help but feeling like those dreaded handles are buckets of worms each time I have to reach for them. Today, I think the worms thought overtook me a little because as hard as I was concentrating, the walking just wasn't working and I just couldn't get my hips and my legs to follow instructions. Now that I'm thinking about it, I may even be a little angry at the walker because I did better holding to the table edge in my exercises. I'll need to get over that before next session because I did not like leaving exhausted and ready to cry from disappointment in myself, especially since the first half had been so encouraging.
I will make sure I do better, try harder and make peace with myself once again so that next week will be a better week. Too many things are looking up to let myself dwell on a few faltered steps!
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