Well, one TIRED chickeracca, I am!
This afternoon was a busy one at physio today and although I was thankful to have a rare afternoon appointment (mornings are still slow for me to get moving) I am quite sure it will be an early night. I always feel as exhausted as I do exhilarated coming out of my therapy sessions but going into them takes me a little time to be able to adjust and relax into being open to newly re-learning old sequences. I'm always just a little nervous going into each session because I'm always just a little unsure of what's ahead, of what will be asked of me and what I will require of my own body. New challenges bring big worries of ... will I falter, will I flail or will I just plain fail?
I have faltered.
I have flailed.
But I can't say I have yet failed, nor do I plan to!
Julie and I headed straight for the stairwell at the start of session today and for the first time, Julie did not bring a chair with us... only the safety belt. Our stair goal for today was to make it both UP and DOWN the flight of stairs without a rest at the top. Was I nervous? Beeeeeeyond nervous!! But I did it aaaaaaaand... I did it without weights on my ankles to help me 'ground' my steps! It took SO much effort and concentration to control my movements, I can't even tell you, but somehow my concentration won a couple of rounds (the first time up I almost lost) with those dratted stairs. Three times up and down with only a very short rest perched on my walker at the bottom between each. It was confusing to have to so quickly switch gears with just a turnaround from up the stairs to down the stairs without a few minutes rest at the top but I managed and finished proud of myself for even just having pushed through.
After my stair time we made our way down and around the hallways to the neuro gym. Up until now we have been working with three pound weights around my ankles to help me control my foot placement in trying to retrain my legs while simultaneously trying to settle the ataxia that so annoyingly overtakes me. But today was another day of new challenges and since Julie feels I'm ready, we are beginning more muscle strengthening work she asked me if we could try five pound weights this time. Never being one to back down from a challenge... of course I accepted!
My first five pound strengthening exercise was standing knee lifts; standing alongside the therapy bed while holding on to the bed with only one hand for balance. Julie stood the mirror directly in front of me so I could see and understand every movement correction and how my body was reacting whether properly or failingly. I don't like mirror-time, at all... living it is one thing but coming face to actual face with it is pretty brutal and seeing the struggle is somehow even harder than feeling the struggle, it makes it even more embarrassing. Anyhow, I did manage to work through two sets of ten standing knee lifts and though I couldn't lift my right leg as high as my left, I still figured I had done well since my right leg managed to fully hold my weight while I lifted my left one. Score!!
Next, Julie lifted the next-over therapy bed to the same hip-height of the one I was already using, moved the mirror to the end of the of the makeshift 'walkway' and explained that we were going to work on my walking steps again. I am still having the WORST time with trying to lift and place my feet properly although... my right ankle has strengthened and is beginning to behave itself rather than rolling and tripping me constantly like it used to, thanks to sticking with my exercises! This gives me immense hope that my muscles and nerves will really eventually regain their past working memories. Anyhow, I did have a fleeting moment of panic with the thought of walking forward while holding onto the bed edges with only one hand since up until today I had only worked at inching myself sideways along. The fleeting panic took flight once I took a deep breath in my trust that Julie had never yet asked anything of me that she didn't already trust I was capable of. My steps were awkward and tentative and as hard as I tried I just still could not force my heel to touch down first or keep my hips from dropping painfully as I desperately tried to compensate so I could try and make it through. We stopped. We readjusted. We refocused. We started anew... again and again until my legs finally agreed to try their best to behave. By our third attempt, I was moving slower than a snails pace but was holding form while stepping and controlling my movements with a little less strain.
And then came along one last challenge for the day... a quad-cane.
I wasn't thrilled about the idea of trying a quad-cane and I knew I wasn't hiding the disgusted trepidation crossing my face even though I tried to mask it. I honestly don't know what's worse, the walker I just finally have come to terms with OR this new prospect of a cane?!! I really feel like the cane may be the most awful of the two but I know in my mind that if I want to eventually graduate out of a walker it's going to have to happen by transitioning. The inner turmoil is sometimes just TOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!! But once again, I accepted it as something that I just have to bite my lip and get through.
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| I might just be going from BAD... |
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| .....to WORSE! |
I was even slower with using the cane than I am with the walker and let me just say that a cane, as simple as it looks, is not an easy tool to use. Julie explained and showed me every movement and it looked unbelievably easy but when it came my turn to try it was seriously, anything but! I was terrified and not just of how I looked but of trusting that simple cane of disgustion to hold me and all of my since-illness-weight-gain. I followed every instruction I was given but had a really difficult time of keeping every movement straight and in sequence. When I was watching and listening I clearly understood but adding my uncooperative body into the mix with new challenges of those new sequences was almost ugly-cry worthy. Left hand moves cane forward followed by right foot step then left foot step and repeat all. Simple. But not simple at all. By the time we had tried the cane once along the length of the two beds and back, cane on the left side and then tried again using the cane on my right side... I was confused, shaky and ready to break down. I was tired, I was sweaty and deflated. And then I realized I had made it through. I hadn't fallen, I hadn't cried and I had started toward a very important graduation of walking tool toward once again being able to again walk UNaided. Even through all the mistakes I made in trying, I still had tried and though I know I didn't do well, I 'did' and maybe, just maybe, that's important, too.
Recreational Therapy - Appointment 20: (August 18, 2016.)
Today, instead of having my aquatic therapy in the hospital pool, Dave (my aquatic therapist) had arranged to take me on a tour of our local Canada Games Complex in hopes of urging me out of hiding away in my house. I did NOT want to go but I did go and my sister came with me so I was much more at ease than I had expected to be. When we arrived I did feel more than just a little overwhelmed with being out in public, the overwhelming summer heat and the hoards of kiddoes running about - summer day camps are running wild but only for a couple more weeks when school is back in session. Dave explained that it's generally really quiet during the mornings so that will likely be my best time to go.
It was really easy to manoeuvre my way through the front area and he had been right in explaining to me last week that there are LOTS of walker users, wheelchair users and cane users who exercise there and though I was happy not to be alone in my own struggles I wished that the others weren't also dealing with the struggles. I felt people looking and I tried to ignore the glances but it's hard to turn completely off the insecurities. I know that people mean well and probably aren't looking in judgement; I guess I just need to find a little more confidence in myself.
Dave first took us to the pool deck area where there had been recent renovations to build accessible change cabanas right along the poolside to change in without having to manoeuvre the squishy and maze-like change rooms. I already felt better about the openness of the easy access change cabanas but then when we rounded the corner out of the first one and were already almost at the pool edge I relaxed even more. I won't have to walk a million miles in front of a lot of people to get from the change areas to the pool if I decide I want to work on my pool exercises there once we close our pool for the winter. Pure relief! We talked for a few minutes about where would be best to place my walker as I transfer from walker to water ramp handrails, about the exercises I could start with and how far I could manage in the water and I felt at least a little more at ease with the whole deal, even if not completely excited at the prospect.
From the pool deck we made our way back out the doors we'd entered through and directly across the hall was the elevator to the second level; easy layout so far! The elevator opens directly into one of the many exercise rooms of the complex and it just happens to be the room with the machines for my needs. Dave had talked with my Physiotherapist, Julie, and said that all 'stand-up' machines were off limits which leaves me with the Nu-step (like at the hospital), the seated bicycle, the arm cycle and the seated rope climbing machine... I know I'll work my way up to the other machines as well, especially since I'm now starting to learn quad cane manoeuvring!
Directly opposite of the elevator in the exercise room is the door that leads straight out onto the walking track and I have to admit that it was a little more intimidating looking than I had expected it to be. The track is on the upper level but wraps around the pool area so it was pretty humid compared to the chilled exercise room we'd just stepped out of but the floor felt safe and not slippery at all so it will be a good place to practice my steps, I think.
It took us only about forty-five minutes to go through all the areas that will be of most benefit to me but I was still shaky and exhausted afterward. I think that once I actually begin going regularly, it'll get easier with each visit and become just a little less stressful.
It was an adventure. I walkered my way out of my safety bubble, even if just for a little bitty while... it totally counts!
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